recepticle=Monday, March 26, 2007
By the power of Greyskull
This weekend my girly and I travelled down to London-ish to celebrate her brother's 30th birthday. A thoroughly lovely time was had by all.
HOWEVER.
I'm not about to let a lovely meal on a warm spring sunday afternoon get in the way of the bilious tirade about to spew from my foaming maw; ho no, I know what you're all thirsty for.
We had decided to travel down the night before so that we didn't have to do the 160-mile round trip all in one day, so we booked into a Travelodge in Luton. Travelodge are one of the fastest-growing chains of short-stay hotels in the UK, providing quick and simple accomodation for people like us; people looking for an overnight stay and not much more. That being their primary aim, Travelodge are really quite good at providing that basic approach; however, not content with simply stripping their hotel rooms of all personality and most functionality save for a bed and some lights, Travelodge want to boast about it like it was my idea in the first place.
They make the rather bold assumption that I don't want things like shampoo, bathmats, towels or pillows, and that's why these 'extras' haven't been included. in the main, I can see their point; whenever we travel, we invariably pack our own shampoo and toiletries, and I can see how complimentary biscuits with our complimentary tea might just seem like an outlandish frivolity, but... hold on, there's no bathmat?
"People slipping on bath mats is the cause of the thousands of accidents every year, and we'd prefer you to leave us in one piece! In most bathrooms, the bath surface and the floor have enhanced slip resistance and there are hand rails, so it's as safe as your bathroom at home (if not safer)."
Hoho, always start with a joke. That 'enhanced slip resistance' stuff is a steaming pile of horse manure, too: put any liquid between two surfaces and the resulting friction is greatly reduced, and handrails cannot magically reverse the effects of physics. It was on my GCSE Physics paper:
"Which of the following items can magically reverse the effects of physics?
a) A magnet.
b) The Large Electron-Positron Collider at CERN.
c) A bathroom handrail.
d) A chocolate duck."
Sticking with the bathroom, they also ask, "Why don't we give you loads of towels?" before piping up with an answer about avoiding unnecessary costs and saving me money. After checking the bathroom, the wardrobe and under the bed and finding precisely zero twoels in our room, perhaps they should modify this question to read "Why don't we give you any towels at all?" According to the clueless badger at reception, the answer is simple:
"Housekeeping... mwleh!"
This same answer was provided when I asked about extra pillows, but the only spares they had were sans pillowcases. After taking a cursory inventory of our room, I would like to suggest some addition questions-and-answers for the Travelodge group:
"Why is there no remote control for the TV in my room, and no spares available at reception?"
- Because they have been stolen, apparently. Besides, You can still change channels by getting up and pushing the buttons on the TV. Sure, you won't be able to access Teletext, but you could always go out and buy a newspaper.
"Why isn't the window in my room double-glazed, despite being less than 500 yards from the M1 motorway and directly above a 24-hour petrol station?"
- We have calculated that, by not adding the unnecessary luxury of double-glazing, we can save each guest 11p on their bill, all for the minor inconvenience of being woken up every half an hour by the nasal whine of the nightshift woman at the garage or a passing fleet of trucks on the motorway.
"Why aren't there any towels or pillows, anywhere at all?"
- Housekeeping... mwleh!
- posted by lawrie at 3:36 PM ~ comments