recepticle=Sunday, December 24, 2006
children are ace
merry christmases all round to those of you who have yet to receive my seasonal digital love via the internetworking webhole myspace. this christmas, i shall mostly be working, and you know what that means:
irritating child: [points at a cardboard hat] what does that hat do?
lawrie: nothing. it's a hat.
later...
horrible mother: [looks at prices] ooh good god, it's all so expensive. daylight robbery! what's a flashing spinner?
lawrie: [gets a flashing spinner] one of these.
horrible mother: oh. how much is that?
lawrie: this is £4.50.
horrible mother: how much? god, it's disgusting! just a license to print money! how do you sleep at night?
lawrie: [smiles indulgently]
horrible mother: i'll take four.
the next day...
girl: can i have a pink flashy spinner?
horrible grandma: of course you can.
horrible dad: [to five-year old boy] what do you want?
boy: i want a pink one too!
horrible grandma: eww no! you don't want a pink one!
boy: i want that pink one!
horrible grandma: oh christ, what's wrong with you?
horrible dad: you'll be a little gay boy!
some parents are wonderful.
- posted by lawrie at 2:18 PM ~ comments
Monday, December 18, 2006
further adventures in customer services
huzzah! prepare to feast your eyes on more delectable interpersonal delights from me selling overpriced plastic flashy uselessware to kids of all ages.
in this first encounter, a horrifically rude old woman attempts to purchase a £4.50 toy with a gold card. we haven't quite entered the twentieth century yet, and we're still using those old cher-chunk! swipe-type machines with carbon paper receipts, and it was my first time using it. witness the horror unfold.
lawrie: ...and there we go. if you just want to sign...
incredibly pompous woman: no no, darling, i'm not going to sign that. you've forgotten to write out the final amount, you see? you could fill it out for four million pounds and charge it to my gold card, you see!
lawrie: oh yes, sorry. *fills out total amount*
ipw: no no, darling, you see? the '4' is too far to the left. you could fill in the rest of the space with zeros and steal all of my money!
lawrie: *clenches jaw* hmm.
ipw: *takes my pen away from me and starts to cross out everything i've written* there, you see, daaahhling? like this!
lawrie: oh. yes. thank. you.
ipw: this is how you do it correctly, daaaahhhhling. you see? you did it wrong. now it is right. you see?
lawrie: uh. huh.
ipw: ciao, daaaahhhhhllliiiing!
a small troupe of gypsy kids barge into the front of my hutch.
kid #1: whatchoo got?
lawrie: everything you see here.
kid #2: you got any dildos? *cackles all round*
lawrie: we have these police truncheons. they'd probably work.
kid #2: heh... oh.
kid #3: *grabs a fluffy stick* whassis do?
kid #1: gives you an erection! *guffaws all round*
lawrie: actually, it gives you cancer. too late for you!
i swear to god, i got a visit from a kid who looked exactly exactly like jimmy hopkins, the kid from bully and his friend.
jimmy: *ploughs his considerable weight forward onto the counter* whassat?
lawrie: i have no idea what you're pointing at.
jimmy: that hat! whassat?
lawrie: it's a hat.
friend: why's it got chinese on it?
jimmy: cuz he's chinese, ain't he! *points at poster*
friend: wha?
jimmy: he's from chin... chinee... chinesia!
- posted by lawrie at 1:31 PM ~ comments
Saturday, December 09, 2006
open all hours
for the next six weeks i shall be standing in a small garishly-decorated hut, selling pointless, inane plastic crap to kids; kids so hyped-up on candy and christmas and their pupils so dilated that their eyes look like small, dark pools of murder. to that end, let's take a quick glance at my first night of work:
child: [points aimlessly at the display cabinet] what's that flashing thing?
lawrie: which one?
child: [points more insistently at nothing] that one! the one that flashes!
lawrie: um... do you mean the fluffy wand?
child: no! that one!
lawrie: the water stick? the finger-lasers?
child: nooo! the one that flashes!
lawrie: look, in case you hadn't noticed, we've got 15 items in there and they all flash.
child: ...can i have a foam thumb?
later that evening...
old woman: hmm... what have you got?
lawrie: well, we've got these finger-flashers, blue swords, um... flashy snowmen...?
old woman: pfft. i don't want any of that.
lawrie: oh. okay.
old woman: have you got programmes?
lawrie: yes we have [gets a programme]
old woman: you know, my daughter has been calling here for weeks and weeks! phoned the box office, came in person... she couldn't book! disgusting.
lawrie: um... i've been working here for fifteen minutes. and i sell merchandise.
old woman: pfft!
later still...
annoying kid: [grabs something, holding it to his chest] how much is this?
lawrie: that's £4.50
annoying kid: oh right. [turns to friend] i ain't got it. 'ave you?
annoying kid's friend: no, man. let's just go.
annoying kid: [grabs something else] how much is this?
lawrie: that's £3.50.
annoying kid: two pounds? [holds it closer to his pocket]
lawrie: no, three-pounds-fifty.
annoying kid: two-fifty? [closer still to his gaping thief-hole]
lawrie: no. three-pounds-fifty.
annoying kid: oh. can i 'ave it for a quid?
lawrie: no. no you can't.
annoying kid: [points behind me] how much is that?
lawrie: [absolutely not turning around] if you mean the foam thumbs, £3.
annoying kid: [throws product down on the counter, screaming with laughter] ahhhh! ah hahahahahaaa! weeeeeeeeee!
lawrie: yeah, wee! bye.
- posted by lawrie at 12:35 PM ~ comments