recepticle=<b>Saturday, January 28, 2006</b><br /><br /><b>don't touch that phonograph</b><br />i can't believe i'm going to say this, but... have any of you been watching celebrity big brother? no, me either. but apparently, the first bleach-blonde, perma-tanned, vacuous scrap of brain lint to float into the house was a decidedly non-famous plebian by the name of 'chantelle'. chantelle was given a challenge: if she could persuade the other celebrity housemates that she was in fact a famous person, she got to stay in the house. to help her on her way, she was told she was a member of a girl group called "kandyfloss. wiv a 'k'".<br /><br />i have since heard that channel 4 have been auditioning other members for kandyfloss, and now that chantelle has been released, they're going to make it into a <b>real girl group</b>. since i didn't see last night's final show (which meant that 'my name is earl' wasn't fucking on!), i can neither confirm nor deny whether this abysmal prophecy came true, but i did find <u><a href="http://amail.co.uk/cgi-bin/adetails.pl?domain=kandyfloss.net%26brand=amail" target="_blank">this</a></u>; the dns records for 'kandyfloss.net', apparently purchased on behalf of one 'simon cowell' on the 8th of january.<br /><br />i think my utter rage at the state of the blink-and-you'll-miss-'em pop music industry has slowly drained out of my mouth and eyes like so much liquid poo from a 6-month old baby that has been force-fed 5 kilos of ex-lax. i can only look on with sad bemusement and utter exasperation. it makes me emo-cry a little bit.<br /><br />as a lighter aside, i watched 'wierd science' for the first time in about fifteen years. john hughes, we loves you, but that movie doesn't make a lick o' sense.<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 11:26 AM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113845001696864889">comments</a></u><br /><br /><b>Saturday, January 14, 2006</b><br /><br /><b>how to shoot a melon</b><br />on sunday me and emily are off to rome. we're going to get some bubble bath and swim in the trevi fountain with caravaggio, then we'll join bellini in his weekly throwing-rocks-at-the-pope game.<br /><br />being the great, responsible british citizen that i am, i decided to call the woman i crashed into (see previous entry) and tell her that i wouldn't be in the country next week. she took this opportunity to tell me that her car was a write-off. it went something like this:<br /><br /><b>woman:</b> i had my car looked at today and the garage said that it's a write-off.<br /><b>lawrie:</b> oh.<br /><b>woman:</b> i mean, i still drive it around and it works fine... <br /><b>lawrie:</b> uh huh. totally written off, then?<br /><b>woman:</b> well, i can't close the boot properly.<br /><b>lawrie:</b> yeah, it sounds like i completely junked it. bitch.<br /><br />so, if i don't want to lose my no claims discount and watch my insurance premium take a flight to da moooooon, i'm going to have to pay the write off value for a crappy old astra with a duff boot latch. if anyone can tell me approximately how much i have to wrench out of my asshole, that would be most helpful.<br /><br />today i also received this email regarding the jedi quiz:<br /><br /><b>from: </b><u><a href="mailto:edselplo63@msn.com">billy khalil</a></u><br /><b>subject: </b>Jedi Quiz (to whom it may concern)<br /><b>message: </b>HEEEE!!!! haha apple monkey's spunk breath! on your fugly face! haha ass boger chode licker shit brick bleeding fuck!<br /><br />looks like someone got the internet for christmas, and turned 13 the same week! bless.<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 1:23 PM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113724846180249540">comments</a></u><br /><br /><b>Friday, January 06, 2006</b><br /><br /><b>happy new year. DIE.</b><br /><br />lawrie certainly knows how to start the new year with a bang. oh, ha ha. does anyone remember last february when someone drove into the back of me and completely caved in the back of my mini, which consequently took 6 months to repair? and all the other party sustained was a cracked bumper?<br /><br />well <b>huzzah!</b> it's happened again. only this time, i drove into the back of someone, and completely caved in the <b>front</b> of my mini, while they only sustained a dent in their boot lid.<br /><br />i was in a queue of traffic, moving at about 10 miles an hour tops. i looked down to switch off my rear screen heater, looked up and everyone had stopped. except for me. i slammed on my breaks and <b>huzzah!</b> my wheels locked, and a carried on moving at exactly the same pace. i didn't even have time to pump my brakes before i crunched into the back of an old, faded-red, piece of shit vauxhall astra.<br /><br />a few brief winces at the front of my car reveal that i've smashed one headlight, totally lost one indicator, caved in the new grille i bought in 2004 and bent the new bumper in half, crumpled the hood in and up, and i think i may have knocked the exhaust enough so that it drags along the road.<br /><br />so, if anyone wants to retract all those wonderful presents they got for me from my wishlist, and instead donate to the <u><a href="http://www.chrysler.com/pt_cruiser/index.html" target="_blank">lawrie's car fund</a></u>, i would be <i>most</i> grateful.<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 1:50 PM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113655630815351151">comments</a></u><br /><br />