recepticle=<b>Tuesday, November 29, 2005</b><br /><br /><b>The Band Van</b><br />by Lawrie Malen<br /><br />once upon a midnight dreary, prowling the M4, tired and weary,<br />pondering the roadstrips white and passing by across the floor,<br />my eyes heavy, nearly napping, suddenly there came a rapping,<br />robbie williams, a rubbish songwriter, rapping away on radio 4;<br />only this, and nothing more.<br /><br />ah, distinctly i remember, near the eve of bleak december,<br />a tired and weary band member despised of hearing any more.<br />a flick, a switch, a change of station, a need for audio migration,<br />at last; the arctic monkeys, 'i bet you look good on the dancefloor'.<br />played again, forevermore.<br /><br />then, methought, the air grew thicker, perfumed by a half-eaten snicker,<br />the snow grew dense and all around was ice upon the floor.<br />dropped off john, out came his dad, from head to foot in towelling clad,<br />"where has thou been?" was asked as i slowly pushed open my door.<br />quoth the malen, "been on tour".<br /><br />hours glaze by, the roads behind me, fourteen days of song and harmony<br />forgotten as a mood plutonian down upon my soul began to bore.<br />a flick, a catch, an open portal, staring upon this beautiful mortal,<br />sleepy-eyed and questioning of my return once more.<br />quoth the malen, "been on tour".<br /><br />three dates ahead, never flitting, quiet upon the calendar sitting,<br />with all the craft of pallas, yet more journeys to endure.<br />desolate, yet still undaunted, though my eyes are dark and haunted,<br />i shall cry, nepenthe to weep, when laying on my return to shore,<br />"i shall drive - nevermore!"<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 3:19 PM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113327772570642521">comments</a></u><br /><br /><b>Monday, November 07, 2005</b><br /><br /><b>like the monkees, but rubbisher</b><br />i just attempted to make a post on channel 4's online forums regarding a new show called '<u><a href="http://www.channel4.com/entertainment/tv/microsites/T/totally_frank/" target="_blank">totally frank</a></u>' and how it hurts my soul, but apparently my post contained 'trigger words' and has to be moderated first (and by 'moderated', i assume they mean 'incinerated'). i've checked my post over a hundred times and couldn't find any mention of 'bomb', 'allah', assassinate', 'ricin', or 'chelsea clinton' anywhere. so assuming that it will never see the light of day on channel 4's server and in the spirit of a free north korea, here's my post in it's entirety.<br /><br />i've watched three episodes of 'totally frank', and as a musician, a band member, a promoter and a human, i find it utterly cringeworthy and insulting on every conceivable level. i realise that it's a fictitious programme pushing vainly for a moral at the end of each episode, but there's not even an *ounce* of realism or believable plot for one second of the show. let's take a look:<br /><br />four more-or-less jobless girls live together in a flat in london that is approximately four times the size of mine, apparently paying for it with their hopes, aspirations and other intangible concepts. i got kicked out of my house and had to sleep on a friends sofa for three months because even though i had a job, i couldn't afford the rent on a shitheap the size of a shoebox.<br /><br />their first 'gig' constituted a rehearsal of one apparently previously unrehearsed (yet immaculately 'performed') song in front of a bailiff, a job centre employee and some parents. <b>this is not the definition of a gig</b>. in fact it barely makes it as a rehearsal, or an attempt at life in any form.<br /><br />when the jc employee found out that guitar-girl had been defrauding the benefits office he gave her a shrug and told her to sign on properly the next day, instead of having her arrested as practically any other job centre nazi would have done. when i attempted to sign on a few years ago, i was told i'd have to pick something 'more realistic' than being a musician, otherwise i wouldn't be allowed to claim. i chose 'writer'. i wasn't allowed to claim anymore.<br /><br />their second gig (as far as i could gather) was supporting a 'major' band at a 2,000 capacity venue that was, by all accounts, "going to be rammed". my band has just been on tour with save ourselves, and they went on to support the rasmus on their uk dates the week after. we saw them at rock city playing to about 1,500 people (which was still not sold out; rock city's capacity is about 1,900). it took save ourselves 3 years and a *lot* of hard work to get themselves that kind of gig; it apparently took 'frank' one song in front of a handful of dubious authority figures.<br /><br />i also noticed that drummer-girl was left-handed. left-handed drummers are few and far between, and i happen to be one of them. when do we get to see her sneered at by a grumpy sound engineer who doesn't want to switch the mics around? when do we see the drummer of the main band getting reluctant about her changing his kit around? oh, and just by the by; when do we actually get to see her <b>play a song</b>? any idea who paid for her £1,200 worth of sabian cymbals?<br /><br />speaking of prices; let's take a quick look at what i've noticed they own so far:<br /><br />gibson signature amp and cab: £1,700<br />slingerland 'new standard' kit: £2,000<br />sabian cymbal (full set): £1,200<br />fender telecaster: £600<br /><br />if it is true that they are intending to release an album on polydor next year, then i hope to god they're practicing, because for a 'real' band with instruments and everything, they'll be losing just about all of their credibility the first time they mime.<br /><br />instead, why don't they make a programme about how the band *really* got together, and what they're *really* doing to make it? y'know, channel '6' hold auditions for actors with (preferably) some grasp of how to play an instrument, then they put the band on tv 26 times, then they release an album of songs featured on the show and hope that it takes.<br /><br />i know that the potential onslaught of retorts to this will be centred around 'it's just a show, it's not real' or 'they're just a pop band', but none of that is really true, is it? they're a bunch of actresses playing at being a <b>real</b> band, pretending to make it '4 real', all the while just being whored out as the sad byproduct of a delusional pop industry that has totally lost its way.<br /><br />this post is not intended to be a slight on the actresses, but on the show as a whole, channel 4, the show's creators and polydor music. it is an absolute affront to everything i've ever tried to do musically, every band i've ever been in or played with, and every musician on the planet who's actually trying to do something, as opposed to only pretending.<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 3:36 PM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113137835539298368">comments</a></u><br /><br /><b>Wednesday, November 02, 2005</b><br /><br /><b>try to set the night on fire</b><br />i know it's a little early, but i got a little too excited about my new <b>bonfire night skin</b>. if it's slower than a fat girl carrying a rock up a hill with a celery stick dangled in front of her face, then you can click on the fire above to put it out.<br /><br />and see below! towards the bottom of your screen we have fireworks aplenty; simply <b>swoop</b> your mouse over them, then 'ooh' and 'aah' to your heart's content.<br /><br /> - posted by lawrie at 7:32 PM ~ <u><a href="asfunction:loadComments,113096018457097773">comments</a></u><br /><br />