recepticle=Thursday, September 30, 2004
speak without thinking
tomorrow night we are playing at the attik in leicester. on stage at around 9.15pm. i'm telling you this because i expect every last fucking one of you to turn up at this gig and throw muffins on stage as we play. muffins!
- posted by lawrie at 6:22 PM ~ comments
Monday, September 27, 2004
windows xp broken pack 2
if there was ever a time to heed my advice (and i shouldn't have to remind you; that time is all the time), then it's now. for the love of jesus teat-sucking christ do not install windows xp service pack 2. my name is lawrie; here is my terrible story.
it was a lazy sunday evening. i was relaxing with my wo-man, spraying dove deodorant onto spiders and setting them alight as i waited for windows xp service pack 2 to download. i had heard great things about it; not only did it add bluetooth and infrared connectivity to my toaster, but it was sentient and ran a resident kryptonite firewall to stop superman from seeing what was on my hard drive.
after what seemed like an age, it was downloaded and ready to install. i eagerly ran the update and rebooted my machine. i was so excited, i could feel the milk wanting to come out. the first thing i noticed was that my boot-up screen had changed from 'windows xp professional' to just 'windows xp'. after taking four times as long to boot into windows properly, i suddenly realised that i had lost my internet connection. i'm on a wireless network via a pci adapter with wep encryption. huzzah! the new service pack had decided, for whatever reason, to remove the wep passkey from my wireless configuration (bearing in mind, it's not a microsoft network). i fixed that, but with no joy. then i took a look at the great new windows firewall. it's so effective, it blocks everything just in case. turned that happy crappy off, then hit 'repair wireless network'. it connected for about a second, then dropped again. deciding i didn't want to play this game any more, i went to 'add/remove programs' and uninstalled the new service pack.
MISTAKE.
upon rebooting with what should be my original configuration before all the fuckery began (bearing in mind windows makes a system restore point before installing the new service pack), windows started to autodetect all of my hardware, including the pci bridge and the cpu. at which point, it blue-screens. and again. and again. every. fucking. time. i. boot. up.
so, thank the holy ghost for system restore. i had to kick my heels for about 45 minutes while my system got rolled back to a safe configuration, and now i'm back and fully-functional.
xp service pack 2 can, quite frankly, eat my sack.
- posted by lawrie at 1:35 PM ~ comments
Sunday, September 26, 2004
updato-bot 900 malfunction. BALEET!
came back from worcester last night and i am le tired. only two things of any real note to tell you; salad fingers is my new best friend; and gaijin design received a slight revamp. feedback, please.
- posted by lawrie at 1:49 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
"these are the voyages of the uss rock. get off."
for those of you coming to see the stage debut of two minute warning in bristol, we apologise on behalf of gig organisers everywhere (or more specifically, in bristol) for scuppering what was likely to be an enjoyable night out.
i have this theory about gig organisers; if my theory were to be properly documented, one would find a disproportionally high occurrence of the word 'twat' within. and maybe a few underlined 'fuckwit!'s. the protagonist of our story called us less than twenty four hours before we were due to take the stage to tell us that we, as well as every other band booked this week, were cancelled. it went something like this:
mark: hello?
organisational moron: oh, hi. is this mark?
mark: yeah, who's this?
om: oh it's [insert idiot name here]. it's about the gig tomorrow.
mark: what's up?
om: it's cancelled.
mark: what? why?
om: we're fitting a new p.a. this week. i tried getting hold of you...
mark: when did you try?
om: uh, over the weekend.
mark: but i haven't had any missed calls from you or anyone else.
om: yeah...
mark: mayhap you were hoping to bump into me on the street?
om: yeah...
mark: despite the fact that we've never met, and we live a hundred and thirty miles apart?
om: uh...
mark: would it be remiss of me to suggest the following scenario; you've known for months that a new p.a. was being fitted, but seeing as you're a fucking spunktard with faggots for brains, you decided to spend the last eight weeks getting stoned out of your tree, and then suddenly realised that this very moment was, quite literally, the eleventh hour, and you'd better call us and tell is in not quite so many words to 'fuck off'?
om: uh... bye.
and, as we all know, the only people who actually become professional gig organisers are musically inept, talentless, bitter fatties who always got picked on at school. fuckers.
- posted by lawrie at 6:20 PM ~ comments
Monday, September 20, 2004
lawrie's worst nightmare
some psychopath is not just building an army of fucking scary dolls, but selling them on ebay so that some voodoo priest can enchant them all with life and a craving for flesh. what the fuck is wrong with people?
- posted by lawrie at 10:13 AM ~ comments
Sunday, September 19, 2004
kulture is not spelt with a 'k'
i'm going to be very busy over the next few days. so, get your ass to a gig. if you're curious as to what two minute warning sound like, then check out this sample of 'the songs you stole'.
i feel i should remind all you blogger users to fill out your blogger profile, too. how else are you supposed to stalk each other?
- posted by lawrie at 5:52 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
"two sugars in mine, darlin'"
i realised today that i have this thing about builders, electricians, plumbers and their ilk. ironically, this thing centres around me being a little bitch and not wishing to perform a specific act of manual labour for them, despite the effort and hard work they are putting in for myself or my family. i also realise that the longer i talk about this thing as an anonymous noun, the more it seems like i'm talking about 'a blowjob'.
of all the times workers have been in my home, in easily more than fifty percent of the cases, they have noted my vicinity to the kitchen and blurted out "mine's a black coffee, mate.", or "nine sugars in mine, ta." or something similar. if i had offered mr. monkeywrench a cup of tea, then it might be a different matter entirely, but the fact that they assume i have nothing better to do than spend the next ten minutes making at least 200%25 the amount of tea i had originally intended fucks me off.
it's gotten to the point where i actually hide from the view of any workers, timing my stealthy route from wherever i'm working to the kitchen, tip-toeing across the linoleum floor like a tea-ninja. today i actually found myself trying to disguise what i was doing while a couple of guys built a fence in the garden; i took a bunch of mugs, glasses and plates downstairs, setting them by the sink and rinsing them off as if to put them in the dishwasher. however, i secretly set one of the mugs aside, surreptitiously flicking the kettle on as i moved the tea and sugar to a place where i could make my tea without being seen.
i once got a builder and his entire crew fired because they told me to make them tea one too many times. i told my stepdad that they called him an asshole and that they never did any work; this was actually true, but i would have left them to it had they not used me as their little tea-bitch.
- posted by lawrie at 1:05 PM ~ comments
Friday, September 10, 2004
fucking fuck a fucking duck
i've got no time for this; i need to be making myself a cup of tea and a chocolate croissant before i fuck off to grantham for the afternoon/evening. had an acoustic gig at the firefly in leicester last night with most of two minute warning. it went okay, despite my reservations about having to sing the harmony and all of the chorus to justboy by biffy clyro.
my mind has gone blank. black. the question is; how much more black could this be? and the answer is... none. none more black.
- posted by lawrie at 1:30 PM ~ comments
Monday, September 06, 2004
i am really, really important
yes yes oh yes i am. on december seventh, two double-ought three, i emailed the webmaster of bubba ho-tep.com to ask when the holy crap we british were going to see a theatrical release of bubba ho-tep. they emailed me back! yes, admittedly, it did take them nine fucking months, but oh! what a reply.
"the long awaited theatrical release of bubba ho-tep starring bruce campbell in the uk is coming. on october 8th the 'king' returns to london. the release will begin in london and then roll out to the entire uk. click here for details. tell everyone you know."
and so, i am. if only they'd bring a touring production of evil dead: the musical across the pond, too.
- posted by lawrie at 10:16 PM ~ comments
Friday, September 03, 2004
huzzah! and also sobs!
for categorical ease, i have decided to split up the events detailed in today's entry under two headings. they're pretty self-explanatory. let's go!
huzzah! for two minute warning, my band (i call them my band because i bought all the members at a charity shop and when i'm not using them i put them in a coffee can and bury them in the garden). we just finished recording our first e.p. and it sounds ace.
sobs! for johnny rock, guitarer of said band, because his car got hit by a biffa dustbin truck and shunted twenty feet.
huzzah! for the band, again, because we've got a whole bunch of gigs coming up, and we could be playing in a town near you.
sobs! for johnny rock, again, because the same day his car got hit by a dustbin truck, somebody smashed in his back windscreen and stole two guitars, a 70's fender twin valve amp and an absolute shitload of effects pedals.
all in all, i'd say that the eternal force of ka was equally balanced over these events. it's like god says: take what you want and pay for it. unless, of course, you're a dirty fucking thief who would much rather steal whatever the fuck you like and never pay for anything. god obviously thought that one through.
- posted by lawrie at 3:33 PM ~ comments