recepticle=Tuesday, August 31, 2004
fuck john kerry and junior bush
americans, lend me your eyes. as election day grows closer, i have one very important question for you: who do you want to be sworn in to the white house? who's thumb do you want to have hovering over the big red 'nuke everyone' button that we all know is fixed to the underside of the oval office desk? let's weigh up our options:
george w. bush: do i even need to say anything to ridicule this pathetic individual any more than he has already done himself? as a fan of the english language, a couple of my favourite quotes are "why don't you mentor a child how to read?" and "then you wake up at the high school and find out that the illiteracy level of our children are appalling". he also appears to have forgotten that he personally declared war on iraq and afghanistan when he said "who in the heck wants to be a ware president? i don't". and, obviously, he's not really the president of the united states because he lost the majority of votes and had to get a supreme court ruling to stop any recounts. god, i hate him.
john kerry: okay, i like this guy for one reason: he's not george w. bush. aside from that, would you really want a president who looks like the fonz's dad trying to sell you a used car? perhaps he should be given some consideration; why not read john kerry is a douchebag but i'm voting for him anyway.
mel gibson: that's right, you heard me: mel. fucking. gibson. now, i know it's only another month until the election, but can you imagine having a badass motherfucker like mel gibson in the white house? when it comes to terrorism, he won't just send faceless troops off to police a state in the middle of a forced 'revolution'; he'll put on a black leather jacket and kill every last one of 'em until he gets his $70,000. seriously, write in mel gibson for president.
- posted by lawrie at 9:33 AM ~ comments
Sunday, August 29, 2004
the world is 157 years old - FACT!
seriously, screw all you hedonists and atheists - i'm joining the epsilon program.
"dinosaurs are a lie that people believe because they are weak - FACT!"
kifflom!
- posted by lawrie at 1:29 AM ~ comments
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
andrew should shut up
i'm certain i've blogged about this guy before, but i just rediscovered andrew sings, the website for one andrew atonal. uh, i mean, andrew antone. before you read any further, i urge you to check out andrew's video for a visual interpretation of his elvis-murdering.
i offer my opinion here as a musician; as such, i put it to you, constant reader, that andrew antone can't fucking sing. for me, my voice comes a distant third as an instrument (that's a ways from my meh guitar skills, and miles from my not-bad drumming), and still i'd stake a claim that i can sing better than that pillowcase full of whale blubber.
i know, i know - his weight shouldn't be an issue, and it really wouldn't be if he had something to back it up with. maybe he's a really nice person, but that shit will only get you a record deal with cookie-dough records of pixieland; on this planet, i doubt andrew would get a license to busk on the tube. i mean, he's not a really bad singer - i've heard much, much worse - but one of the main reasons i'd pitch myself higher than andrew is mainly because i know my limits. i'm incapable of that kind of warbly, vocal masturbation that whitney houston pulled off so well before she joined that waco cult and began drinking only radiator fluid. andrew antone is similarly incapable of this kind of voice-wanking; in fact, he can hardly hold a note steady for more than a second or two despite several years of private voice coaching. yet he believes that he should be chosen, over thousands of brilliant, amazingly talented individuals and bands, for a record deal. not a chance, porky pig.
...and is it just me, or in the video does it look like, if it had carried on for another thirty seconds or so, it would have become an all-out porno? two hot kids making out, passionately ripping off each others clothes, then andrew rises mystically beside them, sweaty and wheezing, his chubby hand a blur as he frantically jerks his oily little pork sausage... gag! why doesn't anybody stop me?
- posted by lawrie at 10:15 PM ~ comments
haaaaaappyyyy......
...burfday to nick, happy bufdae to nick, happy erupting-from-the-womb nick the australiaaaahn... haaaappy birthing day to you! boop bah!
- posted by lawrie at 12:17 AM ~ comments
Friday, August 20, 2004
BAH badada bap-BAH!
you know that, if lawrie is only doing one post a week, then that one post will be of paramount importance to his life at that moment.
QUINCY M.E. IS BACK ON THE TELLY! weekdays at 2pm, itv1. now, if someone would be so good as to find me a copy of the theme tune, i would be eternally grateful, and promise never to splay open your dog and wear him like a hat.
edit
i found the quincy theme on my own: downloaderate it here. as a slight aside, i would like to publicly reply to liam's highly offensive comment 'dr. sloan %3E quincy m.e.'
'doctor' sloan, protagonist of diagnosis: murder, is a half-witted two-bit quack, apparently torn between wanting to be either a real doctor or fozzie bear. nobody knows how mr. sloan chanced upon his medical diploma, but it certainly wasn't through academic achievement. an example scenario: dr. sloan goes to visit a friend who, five minutes prior to his visit, seemed perfectly happy and content on the phone. sloan turns up to find his friend dead. dr. sloan's son (played like a deck-chair by van dyke's real-life son) magically appears because, despite being a completely inept moron, he gets assigned to every single murder case in los angeles.
dr. sloan: i can't believe it - i spoke to him five minutes ago.
retardo-son: what happend to him, dad?
dr. sloan: i'd say he died from some kind of... dying.
idiot boy: hmm... that sounds suspicious. i'll call the police science guys to look at stuff. in the mean time i don't want you interfering in a bad... killing... thing.
dr. sloan: you mean a murder case?
twat: yes, one of those.
dr. sloan: i'll try not to... but i will really! wokka wokka! [insert comedy music]
don't you think all of sloan's friends would have told him to get fucked, considering the mortality rate of everyone ever associated with him?
quincy, meanwhile, is a pathologist. it's his job to deal with dead people. and he uses actual medical terms and scientifically accurate terminology, as opposed to calling a microscope 'eye-zoomers' like that fuckwit sloan.
liam, i slap at your face with the glove of daytime television.
- posted by lawrie at 12:35 PM ~ comments
Sunday, August 15, 2004
a lesson in basic business
i was once told an old business maxim that goes something like: "if you do a good job, the customer tells two friends; if you do a bad job, the customer tells nine." well, i'm getting something like 120 readers a day at the moment, so heed me well.
if you're ever thinking of buying computer components, i urge you to never, ever shop at mays computer centre, 57 churchgate, leicester. they are lying, rude ripoff merchants who go back on their word, regardless of customer loyalty or what they may have promised you in the past.
emily and i have recently had adsl installed at her house, and i've installed a wireless network. we needed a couple of microfilters, and after looking in a couple of stores (which were a little expensive), i suggested we try mays computer centre. we asked a guy about microfilters, and he couldn't seem to see any. another assistant comes over.
assistant 2: what are you looking for?
assistant 1: microfilters, but i can't see any.
asst 2: here they are (grabs a bag).
asst 1: no, that's just a splitter.
asst 2: no, trust me - it's a microfilter.
asst 1: it doesn't look like-
asst 2 trust me. it's a microfilter.
i look at what i'm given, and it really didn't look like a microfilter. it looked like a little piece of plastic crap. the feeling of crapiness was enforced by the ridiculously cheap price (almost half the price of any other mircofilters we'd seen in any other stores). as we're buying the little plastic craps (we got two), i express my doubt, and ask if we can return them if they don't work. "of course you can!" replies the jovial assistant. this is where the lies of mays computer centre begin.
so, we get home, i install the microfilters, and guess what? they filter out precisely nothing. when attached to the voice line, we got a loud fuzzy hissing that rendered all speech incomprehensible, and when installed on the adsl router, we got no internet. so, we gather up our receipt, and head back to the lying, cheating bastards at mays computer centre.
i should probably give you a little background here; i actually bought my very first pc from mays. i didn't realise until i started doing some mental arithmetic exactly how much i'd spent at mays over the years. and with a complete desktop pc, two cd burners, a dvd rom, and new sound and graphics cards, we're talking about several hundred pounds.
back to the story: we walk into mays computer centre, receipt and waste-of-monies in hand, and ask about returning the offending items. the little boy behind the counter runs off to fetch the manager, who proceeds to spend the following ten minutes trying to prove me wrong. he plugs on of the nonmicrofilters into their phone, puts on speaker phone (and speakerphone always sounds hissy) and says "see? no hiss. i wouldn't even know what an adsl signal on a voice line would sound like!" well then, why the fuck are you the manager of a computer 'centre', fat boy? he then shoves the receipt and 'microfilters' into my hand and tells me to fuck off. customer service'd!
so, in summary: NEVER EVER SHOP AT MAYS COMPUTER CENTRE, (or mays computers, as they're sometimes known). you may be wondering why i continually referenced the place by it's full title, rather than just abbreviating to 'mays'; well, mays computer centre doesn't have a website, and it took me a fair while just to track down their email address. all of this means that, within a couple of days, i'll be number one on google for 'mays computer centre', and everyone in the world will know never to shop there! muah ha ha haaaa!
- posted by lawrie at 10:45 AM ~ comments
Thursday, August 12, 2004
'i power blogger'! lolz!
a whole bunch of people with brains have written a whole bunch of brainy shit about the the whole new blogger interface a whole long time ago. although sadly unable to add anything of intellectual merit or illuminate the subject with any technical brilliance, i can nonetheless point you in the direction of something mildly fun.
if you are a blogger user, then why the crap haven't you filled out your blogger profile? (please note: this is not a link to your blogger profile. it's a link to mine. dummy.)
using this fantastic new internetworkconnectabilivitinessing, i can see how many bloggers are in my home town! (the answer is four, not inluding me. two of them have never posted a single entry, and the other two haven't posted since june. losers.)
unfortunately the searchability is a bit rubbish, and as such i can't find my good friend liam, because he can't be bothered to fill out his profile. if he had done, i could just search for 'emo bands with gay singers' and find him right away. not that liam's gay, mind. he's straight as a really straight road with no bends in it at all. he's a tiger with the ladies. rrrowl.
- posted by lawrie at 2:39 PM ~ comments
Saturday, August 07, 2004
i hate jennifer love-hewitt and every film she ever made
i already knew that you all love me, but now you have a reason for your love: i'm stuffed full of more knowledge than a giant squid that has consumed oslo city hall in norway just as the nobel prize ceremony was taking place.
...more specifically, i've been linked from the blogger knowledge base (see the fairly anonymous link at the bottom?) for my flash tutorials. i should really get working on those suckers again, huh?
- posted by lawrie at 1:11 AM ~ comments
Thursday, August 05, 2004
solution'd!
that's right, the rumours are true; i've written a walthrough solution to peasant's quest (copyright videlectrix, 1982). if you don't know what the crap peasant's quest is, then i suggest you watch this amazing trailer.
without further ado, here's the peasant's quest walkthrough. i'm a goddamn genius.
edit
if you're viewing my archives, then that previous link won't work (you need to be viewing it through the flash interface), so here.
- posted by lawrie at 5:21 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
i want one
thanks to jon for this: a dancing robot that clearly has the ability to play football and dance like a ninja.
- posted by lawrie at 1:53 PM ~ comments