recepticle=Friday, July 30, 2004
oh the hilarity!
i haven't blogged in very nearly two weeks. that's officially twice as long as that time i went on hiatus. but i've been too busy to deal with you plebians and your constant whining for 'updates' and 'information on being straightedge' and 'where did you put the fucking keys for the fucking car i'm going to be late for fucking work'. no time for you! i'm in a band.
actually, i'm in four. four bands. and i quite literally don't have time for it all.
band #1: two minute warning. a very definite biffy clyro / the junket / almost-cursive-but-a-lot-louder-and-no-cello thing going on there.
band #2: pete %26 the roadrunners. there's this guy, and he's having a wedding, so me and pete and emily and a couple of other guys i don't really know are playing a bunch of covers. so far, pete and i have managed to get 'the drugs don't work' and 'lucky man' kicked out of the set. it's a wedding!
band #3: de sade. eighties-style rock outfit de sade needed a drummer to fill in for one gig. i did. they then kicked out their drummer. my bad.
band #4: emma chamberlain. young good-looking blonde girl with an uncanny songwriting ability, currently being hunted down by various heads of giant corporations. i've already recorded an album with her, and i'm only in it for the money and fame. emma, if you're reading this, i'm in it purely for the music.
...and i'm doing a recording session tomorrow morning with emma's pianist, bartley. and then a session on tuesday with emma. and then a charity gig the next friday with de sade. and then a wedding on saturday with pete. and then recording the following week with two minute warning.
my blog entry this evening was sponsored by linksys, the anonymous unsecure broadcasting network (i just installed a wireless pci adapter, and have picked up someone else's network; so without actually having broadband, i have a broadband connection) zoot!
- posted by lawrie at 1:22 AM ~ comments
Saturday, July 17, 2004
things i learned from watching 'day of the triffids'
1. to drive from parliament in london to the south docks, you have to drive through a misty swampland forest.
2. when commerical airliners crash into the ground, the resulting explosion is about the same as setting off a firecracker in a toilet.
3. you can cross the english channel in a small motorboat in about fifteen minutes.
4. in france, french people prefer to speak english with a faint french accent, particularly when meeting strangers at night.
5. italians not only do the same, but also conveniently store petrol tankers in their gardens.
6. blind people are still capable of dressing impeccably and making their way to picadilly circus, where they then proceed to wander around aimlessly.
7. the director apparenty saw no irony or comedic value in getting the main characters to drive across italy in a psychadelic circus-mobile.
8. touching an electric fence with a stick will simply cause sparks to appear, without the person holding the stick receiving any kind of shock at all.
9. triffids can hear the barely-perceptible hum of an electric generator, or the sound of an italian guitar riff coming from an ice-cream truck, but not people talking, or cars driving away.
10. if you don't want gigantic insectile plants to break into your home, do not make your windows and doors out of balsar wood.
11. as with many plants, triffids are impervious to nitric acid, but dissolve immediately when coming into contact with sea-water. ah, sweet, deadly sea-water.
one can only assume that, had 'security pictures ltd' decided to make a screen adaptation of 'the kraken wakes', the deadly, silent armies from beneath the oceans would also have conveniently dissolved when coming into contact with water, or perhaps trees. the strong, silent scientist-type hero banging his fist against the comedy hooter of his clown car, "of course... their weakness is water! why, two thirds of the earth is covered in it!" all of which means that, rather than barely surviving at the end of the story, our heroes can clean up the whole mess in less than a day, and get about the business of going to church.
yes, that's really how the film ended.
- posted by lawrie at 4:23 PM ~ comments
Sunday, July 11, 2004
why i hate itv movies
1. "hellooooo, moto!". just in case you weren't aware, motorola sponsors itv movies, thus allowing them to play shit dance music and play that fucking annoying "hellooooo, moto!" before and after each commercial break. and sometimes randomly during the film. possibly to dub out the bits where danny devito says a swear word.
2. the cutting of film credits. normally, i'd accept that this really isn't much of an issue, but when they cut off the credits to films such as naked gun and mst3k, it's like getting that kid... you know, the one who had a film made about his left foot... and then... cutting off... his left, y'know... foot...
3. they're showing speed 2: speed on a boat for the second time in six months. billing it as "voted less popular than police academy 4, but more popular than breakdance 2: the electric boogaloo", they are displaying not only their sense of 'irony', but also the fact that they recently discovered the internet.
4. they put capricorn one on again at 2am. they could only do that film less jusrice by showing it at one o'clock in the afternoon on a saturday, split into two halves by the cricket coverage.
i need tea and a muffin. right now!
- posted by lawrie at 4:01 PM ~ comments
Monday, July 05, 2004
harry potter and the phial of coke
i went to see harry potter at the weekend. wow; steven kleves fucked around with that screenplay, didn't he?
disjointed and stuttery, i can't see it making a whole lot of sense to anyone who hasn't read the book (and admittedly, 100%25 of the target audience has). it seemed more of a summary of another work than a story in it's own right. definite hilights included gary oldman finally getting on-screen and shouting a lot (although it has to be said, i rate his recent appearance in a barclaycard commercial a good deal more), and a cameo by terminal cokehead and stone roses main monkey-man ian brown sitting in the leaky cauldron, 'reading' a brief history of time by stephen hawking.
note: i put 'reading' in inverted commas like that because... well, it's ian brown, isn't it? unless it's a clear plastic baggie that has 1kg CHINA WHITE stamped across it, i'm pretty sure he wouldn't be interested.
- posted by lawrie at 11:49 AM ~ comments
Saturday, July 03, 2004
the beat goes on
refer to my last post, when considering how very interesting i am. my posts have dwindled to a tiny point of light, barely visible in the murky grey of this oversaturated ocean of blogging.
there were some seriously mixed up metaphors there. but i've been less concerned with my writing, more concerned with my mini. i've gone insane! i started off just washing and waxing the car, but then i started wanting more and more shiny things... a new bumper... a new grille... i resprayed the wing mirrors and put on shiny new white stripes... then i bought some 3.5 inch wide sportspack wheel arches (which are for sale right here, if you're so inclined). now i want to put on 12 inch wide spoilers, and fins, and one of those glidey things on the back! and blacked-out windows! yeah! and pink lights under the car! and a police light that goes "woo woo!"... and nitrous oxide. then i can be like those cool 'bad boys' in films like 'the fast and the furious' and '2 fast 2 furious' and, to a lesser degree, 'torque'.
- posted by lawrie at 3:47 PM ~ comments