recepticle=Sunday, June 27, 2004
i'm a scientist - i don't believe in anything!
i'm about as interesting as a plain brown paper bag with a receipt for a wooden brush inside it.
see, if it had been just a plain brown paper bag, we could have speculated as to what was once inside it. oranges? lemons? the bells of st. clements? our interest would have been aroused, purely because we wouldn't have known what was inside the bag.
but in the case of this little brown paper bag, our speculation becomes moot. we know what was inside the bag; a wooden brush. what's that? you want to take a closer look? why, certainly.
there appears to be a small, dark smudge on the upper-right corner of the bag on the side that is facing us. it's slightly greasy, smeared from left to right and if we take out our magnifying glass, we can see that the smudge ends with what appears to be a thumbprint swirl. perhaps we may know the identity of the person who purchased the brush? unfortunately, we don't have nearly enough of a pattern to determine this purely from a single thumbprint. more investigation is required. ho, junior detectivators!
judging by the creasing and tension on the bag, we can assume that the weight of the brush rested toward the back of the bag (where the thumbprint would indicate the front), making this man left-handed. how do we know he was a man? simply look at the size of that thumb! unless it was evil mrs. gigantohands, i think we can safely say that we have a left-handed male who stands around 6' - 6'2" tall. so what is this smear that gives so much away? touch it. smell it. taste it. i think you'll agree that this is none other that kiwi parade polish (black), the most famous and popular brand of boot polish favoured by the american armed forces.
however! this receipt indicates that the brush was purchased over a month ago. given the size of the gentleman and taking into account the non-war in iraq, i think we can safely assume that this man is a mercenary! and not a good one like 'face' from the a-team, but one of those bad guys that worked for colonel stuart in 'die hard 2: die harder'. look out, john mcclane! stop smoking cigarettes and watching captain kangaroo! you've got an airport to save!
so, it turns out that the plain brown paper bag is a lot more interesting that me.
- posted by lawrie at 1:24 PM ~ comments
Monday, June 21, 2004
filmed in skeletorama!
for the love of god, please check out the lost skeleton of cadavra. you'll be sterilized with fear!
- posted by lawrie at 9:38 PM ~ comments
Sunday, June 20, 2004
take one making you better feeling!
after far too many days at sea, my girlie is coming home (hopefully) on tuesday.
in the meantime i'd like you to get all giggly and excited about my good friend liam and his zombie film aim for the dead, currently filming in birmingham. check better feeling films for more details.
- posted by lawrie at 4:00 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
for fucks sake
does anyone here remember cara? the horribly annoying, horrendously stupid, practically illiterate little girl who used to stalk my site? well, as you can plainly see, she's back.
i've known about this for quite a while, for you see cara added me to her list of things she hates, and as crushed as i am about this, i've learned to live with it.
what i cannot tolerate is when people rip me off. firstly, take a quick look at my faq; see how it's worded? all very dismissive... very lawrie? well then here's a fucking coincidence! cara's faq is very lawrie as well!
from the opening statement, to most of the questions, she has ripped me off, word for word. even her answers are practically the same. i don't mind being admired (as i should be), but i fucking hate being copied.
- posted by lawrie at 1:35 PM ~ comments
Friday, June 11, 2004
back... the the future!
the time travel research center. i found this site when looking for a time machine on ebay.
check out the calendar of world events; they have clearly already used this amazing machine! cancer and aids will both be cured within the next six months, and tinfoil ponchos will dominate the parisian catwalks in 2008.
- posted by lawrie at 6:01 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, June 09, 2004
i won't waste my seed on hideous trolls
a little while ago i had a meeting with a company in london to tender for the development of their website. they were very eager, and after the meeting promised to follow through within a couple of days with a phone call.
a week and a half goes by. i decide to call them. you know when you hear someone's tone of voice and immediately realise that you were played for a fool, a fool! all along. i was used, like a crowbar of naivety to crack open the wooden crate of pricey london agencies... like a spoon of innocence used to scoop out their gooey materialist insides. the phone call went thus:
london: hello, jennifer sutton.
lawrie: hi, this is lawrie from gaijin design.
london: oh... [slight pause] hi, hi lawrie. how are you?
lawrie: bollocks. i've not got the job, have i?
london: did i email you?
lawrie: of course you didn't, and you never had any intention of doing so.
london: oh i thought i did. oh wait, i did, but i never sent it.
lawrie: i see. in the same way that i thought about fighting in the vietnam war, except it was over before i was born?
london: well, martin and i have decided to stick with the firm that's doing our re-branding.
lawrie: hmm... well it strikes me that they're not web designers, otherwise you would have gone with them from the start. they're just graphic designers with delusions of html, aren't they?
london: sorry about that.
lawrie: no, that's fine.
london: i'll definitely keep your details on file.
lawrie: oh really? the round file marked 'dustbin'?
london: bye.
lawrie: bollocks.
corporate scum, one and all.
- posted by lawrie at 4:15 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
i've got to go get some pants
i just dropped emily off at the bus station, where she's catching a boat to heathrow airport, where she will then get on a train to portugal. when she gets there, she will hop on a bus and sail it back to england. so, for the next two weeks i will be alone.
and since that is apparently the most interesting thing i have to say, i would like to offer a collection of interesting and wonderful sounds. every time you take one, it's like you're taking a little piece of me. in that respect, i'm quite a lot like jesus.
- posted by lawrie at 11:01 AM ~ comments
Thursday, June 03, 2004
harry potter and the spewing forth of evil
as we all know, the internet is like a giant, magical whorehouse that contains a one-way zombie portal from hell; no matter how many of satan's undead underlings you decapitate with your righteous sword of jesus' beard, they just keep spilling up and out of that portal, eating the brains of the poor prostitutes who live there.
here's my proof. to quote:
"The Bible Warns of a Future Luciferic Initiation that Involves A Satanic Symbol Tattooed upon your Forehead and A Computer Microchip Implanted in your hand."
in case you didn't already know, we're talking about harry potter:
"Antichrist will "divide" The World between those who Embrace Magic, Satan and 666 Initiation vs those Who will Refuse Initiation which will be The Christians, The Muggles of The Future, who Oppose Magic and believe that Jesus is The Christ. (Rev:7:14)"
that's an actual quote from the bible! muggles are mentioned in revelations, apparently (please note: muggles only mentioned in king james edition; all other bibles tampered with by satan).
:: edit ::
aol news gets the scoop! check 'er out. way to go! report a fictitious news item about murder with the leading text "testing, testing, testing..." and a picture of a man inside a dinosaur.
- posted by lawrie at 10:13 AM ~ comments
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
the only thing that ever interests me is me
god bless vivian stanshall and his always-appropriate lyrics. i haven't done any illustrations over the last couple of days (any suggestions for office furniture to add to my 'office space' series?), nor have i been doing anything if even remote interest to any of you. unless, of course, you want to hear all about lawrie's adventures with multi-dimensional arrays and prototype objects. no. thought not.
perhaps i should discuss the news. because a bunch of terrorists decided to blow up parts of the perfectly innocent saudi state, everyone is shitting their pants about the price of petrol and how it might go up by ten pence. i think the news of 33 people being killed in the explosion was the headline for a single day. the news that we might have to pay more to drive our cars has hogged the news every day since. those fucking selfish terrorists! they knew it might make our petrol more expensive! they did it to spite us!
fuck. off.
- posted by lawrie at 4:26 PM ~ comments