recepticle=Tuesday, April 27, 2004
monsters balls
word on the street (that is, the really popular street lined with gucci stores and populated by celebrities with shiny teeth) is that halle berry is getting a divorce. with no comment from her publicist, the general consensus is that the break-up is entirely due to her husband's constant philandering.
personally i think that after starring in this marriage, halle berry went to the studio and demanded that she star in her own marriage, seperate from eric benet, where she plays a strong black woman married to herself. it would take place in a seperate universe, so as not to alter the timeline and stories in the original universe, and as halle berry states, "this is not the same halle berry that fans are used to from the eric benet stories. she's not just a side-character in an eric benet marriage now. this is her journey now. you'll learn about how she became halle berry; the costume changes throughout the marriage will reflect her becoming more and more berry-like. when i saw women of color on tv, like eartha kitt, it made me want to turn absolutely everything i'm doing into a racial issue. wait... are we talking about catwoman? or jinx? or storm? or any other film roles i'm fucking determined to ruin?"
- posted by lawrie at 2:33 PM ~ comments
Monday, April 26, 2004
i need asylum for my dandruff
mathieu gagnon would like to you pay for a subscription to four porno sites so that he may move to america and finally be relieved of the terrible itching of his psoriasis. additionally:
"my right eye is low, so low that it force me to stay at close distance from the computer screen otherwise it get tired fast. doctor say eye laser surgery has a cost :("
so could you please, please subscribe to anal hookers so that mathieu can continue to hunch in front of his computer and infect us all with his literary leprosy.
- posted by lawrie at 3:28 PM ~ comments
Friday, April 23, 2004
it's all about hating corporate america
yesterday i was offered the chance by blogger to be one of the first to try out gmail, google's new email service. all i'd heard about the service before this offer was from my techno-shy stepdad:
geoff: have you heard about goomail?
lawrie: eh?
geoff: it's google's new email service; it's just been on the news.
lawrie: oh right. i haven't heard anything.
geoff: yeah! it's going to be massive. they're saying it's offering a hundred times the... the... storage of all the others.
lawrie: really?
geoff: yeah! what did they say... a megabyte of storage! imagine that! a megabyte!
lawrie: um...
geoff: you'll never have to delete your email again!
lawrie: ...
so here i sit, with my gmail account, using 22k of it's megabyte of storage, defeating all those other email providers that only give you ten lousy kilobytes. the only problem may be this. yes, despite it's number one rule, "don't be evil", google is going to sell my emails to satan. or something. i didn't really read the news article; just kinda scanned over it, making up more interesting sentences in my head as i went along.
before i leave for the weekend, i have a question for you; what would you put in room 101? this was a question posed to me and jon by our friend olly (for those of you unfamiliar with the concept, room 101 is like... purgatory for the things you hate, to be banished from the world forever).
so far we have bad grammar, fruit with savoury food, and guilt. what would you add?
- posted by lawrie at 1:10 PM ~ comments
Thursday, April 22, 2004
i am a spacerocket made of hope!
imagine a table. now imagine me dancing atop the table in my high-heels. not that i even own a pair of high-heels, you understand. nor would i. i do not possess the slender feet or balletic grace required to wear high heels, never mind dance in them, or a wardrobe to compliment. in short, my hairy male self ain't dancing in no high-heel shoes.
*begin again as though nothing happened*
imagine a giant red-and-white toadstool. now imagine me dancing atop the toadstool in my giant acupuncture moon-shoes. "why is lawrie dancing upon an carroll-esque toadstool while the catepillar looks on in opium-fuelled rapture?" you may be asking yourself. well the answer is...
I GOT LINKED AT DESIGNISKINKY
ahthankyou, ahthankyou.
- posted by lawrie at 11:04 AM ~ comments
Monday, April 19, 2004
fishes in the trees, you know how i feel
today is one of those wondefully sunny white-and-blue-and-yellow-and-green early spring days that you remember from primary school, where every little dust mote gliding lazy-dazily through window-shaped shafts of sunlight has a name and a personality, and is having a fascinating conversation with each one of his dusty little friends.
unfortunately my summery love is only slightly marred by the fact that a) my girlie just went back for her final term of university, and b) the hayfever demons have bitten me in the night and infected me with their pollenated illness. i think my eyes are trying to crawl directly out of my head in an effort to itch their backsides on the bark of an old tree. oh wait. i'm allergic to tree pollen. damnit.
to put you all in the summery mood, i'm offering up saturday sun by nick drake, one of my favourite-ever songs, and guaranteed to put you one soft summer breeze of a mood.
- posted by lawrie at 4:06 PM ~ comments
Thursday, April 15, 2004
what in the name of god...
i don't know what this is, but i love it. to sum it up, here's a conversation between me and barry after four or five goes each:
bhamchi: if you have the orange ball fully grown by the time the pipe releases the cloud, the whole cloud gets sucked into the orange ball
bhamchi: otherwise, it starts raining on the mountain
slagbiscuit: i haven't had a cloud
bhamchi: oh wow
slagbiscuit: i never put the pipe on early enough. have you gotten yours to fly? and the vampire mushroom hatch from the egg?
bhamchi: if the propeller gets fully grown and the tornado goes up, the tornado goes up to the propeller
slagbiscuit: yeah i got that
bhamchi: i think getting mine to fly is always a priority for me
bhamchi: i want the box to turn into a robot
slagbiscuit: i had a robot come down the ladder.
THIS IS MEGA.
- posted by lawrie at 6:34 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
like spiders, but more wipey
the more astute among you may have noticed some new little tweaks on the site (and, *ahem*, an addition 35k in size), including my all-new updaterized flash tutorials. they are mega.
if anyone has an avi or mpeg of the movie the worst witch, could you please email it to me? you may require an email account that lets you send files larger than 700mb. i went looking for it at the video store, but all i came up with was ghostbusters and small soldiers. who knew what kind of a cast small soldiers had? kirsten dunst, tommy-lee jones, phil hartman, denis leary, ernest borgnine!, spinal tap, sarah michelle gellar, christina ricci... it was like the indian in the cupboard meets spiderman meets the simpsons meets buffy the vampire slayer meets the addams family meets the poseidon adventure!
did anyone ever make the beverly hillbillies meet the jetsons?
- posted by lawrie at 7:22 PM ~ comments
Friday, April 09, 2004
chocolate bunnies made from the bones of christ
apparently it's easter. a time for the exchange of oversized, overpriced chocolate eggs, a time for the bbc to shove as many old films as it possibly can onto it's terrestrial channels (while still making room for diagnosis: murder, bizarrely), and for other, more lowly channels such as channel 5 to show documentaries that question the authenticity of the turin shroud. always billed with the kind of tagline that goes "we will unearth the true history of the cloth and find out, once and for all, if the shroud was the real thing... or a five-hundred year old fake", and the documentary invariably ending with the phrase "perhaps we'll never know the true origin of the turin shroud...". yes, easter is most definitely a time for bullshit television.
what i find even more alarming is that almost all companies are having some kind of holday over easter! what do you think this is? christmas? christ only rose from the dead! it's not like it's his birthday or anything. haven't you seen dawn of the dead? doesn't that bring some inherently tricky questions as to the process behind jesus' awakening?
i, for one, shall not be taking a break of any kind. i've got a million billion contracts on, worth a trillion grillion pounds. and emily, while not slaving away over her essays, shall be forced to forge me a sword capable of slicing through stone so that i may be able to defeat the easter island statues, whose uprising and global domination lies imminent.
i see myself as a sort of western casshern, but with more whiteness and less japanese dialogue.
- posted by lawrie at 1:15 PM ~ comments
Sunday, April 04, 2004
i'm famous!
while searching around for some wannadies tab, i happened to stumble across the tab i wrote for 'i love myself' three years ago. i actually submitted this to olga, and i'm pretty sure it never appeared there. not only that, but (as the date clearly states), i wrote the tab a full year before i ever even had a blog, and at least a year and half before i ever got the email address listed there, so somebody has been stalking me. it makes me feel funny.
- posted by lawrie at 12:29 PM ~ comments
Friday, April 02, 2004
better things to do with your time: #42
in pittsburgh pa, a fifteen year-old girl took some nudey pictures of herself, including pictures of her doing stuff, and sent them to people she met in chat rooms. having discovered this atrocity, the pennsylvania police are charging the girl with sexual abuse of children, possession of child pornography and dissemination of child pornography. way to go! does this mean that, as concerned citizens, we can all perform citizen's arrests on underage camwhores? and wipe them out... forever?
- posted by lawrie at 8:54 PM ~ comments
Thursday, April 01, 2004
things that really shouldn't be funny: #21
thanks to sio for this one: an absolute bargain.
- posted by lawrie at 12:21 PM ~ comments