recepticle=Friday, November 28, 2003
at the dentist, no one can hear you collapse and die in pain
hey kids! do you want to feel the most excruciating agony money can buy? do you want to be the envy of your friends with blood pouring from your mouth and tears streaming down your face? it's like being emo, but without having to listen to glassjaw!
for just £15.08, you can visit your local dentist, and he will rip out any tooth of your choice, without it actually wanting to be removed at all! that's right! all you have to do is sit back in a chair, willfully letting a strange man mutilate your body, then after nearly fainting and spending ten minutes crying like a girl, you can pay for your pleasure and be on your way!
i have been in pain before, and plenty of it; i've got 1...2... 3... nuff scars to prove it. but absolutely nothing comared to what i went through this morning. and i felt like a muppet sitting in the waiting room weeping, desperately trying not to pass out from the pain. and best of all... i can't get a replacement tooth! because it was the last molar on the right, i won't be able to get bridgework because the wisdom tooth won't support it. all for one lousy fucking infection.
me and dentistry are through.
- posted by lawrie at 1:18 PM ~ comments
Thursday, November 27, 2003
his name is jonas
in tribute to all the crappy guitar tabs that people insist on putting online, i would like to present... my guitar tab of 'my name is jonas' by weezer.
please note: if you don't know how to play guitar and have never looked for tab online, this probably won't be funny. it may not be funny anway. and if you're actually looking for the 'my name is jonas' tab by weezer, then ha ha.
- posted by lawrie at 2:28 PM ~ comments
Monday, November 24, 2003
the bbc conspiracy
i am, as i'm sure i've mentioned in the past, a conspiracy theorist at heart. a conspiracy theory is simultaneously the greatest yet most aggrevating story that can be told, because it is one with ultimately no conclusion. no one lives happily ever after; they just keep living. or dying. and you never know what really happened. it's like the never-ending story, but with fewer muppets.
and so, on the fortieth anniversary of john f. kennedy's assassination, the bbc decide to show and hour and a half long documentary explaining conclusively what happened at the dealey plaza. "there can only be one answer!" it proclaimed. fascinated, but by no means actually expecting an answer to the greatest riddle of all time, i sat down to watch it with mumfy.
thirty six minutes later, and a great deal angrier than i was before, i turn off the tv. you see, the primary basis for the conclusion that is drawn within the first ten minutes of the programme, is that it absolutely had to have been lee harvey oswald. and how do we know this? how many archives were invaded to grasp this amazing conclusion? how many legal minds poured over the warren commission transcripts?
the answer to the last two questions, is zero. we know all this based on the findings of a computer animator. he has apparently spent ten years making a 3d mock-up of the dealey plaza and, based on the footage shot by mr. zapruder, the actions of both governor connally and president kennedy, recreated in precise detail. now, i'm no great shakes at 3d modelling myself, but if he spent ten whole years creating that shambles, then he isn't exactly grand high lord wazoo of 3ds max, either. it would take my friend doug about ten days to do the same.
regardless of his skill or lack thereof, there were a couple of points that i noted; firstly, according to his animation of jfk, the president had recently undergone some surgery whereby his neck had been removed, and his shoulderblades placed approximately six inches higher than they are on practically every other human being. then, for the sake of argument, his throat was pointed out as being located in the middle of his chest. with these anatomical changes taken care of, explaining the magical bullet becomes much easier. then, using ms paint, he draws a line that goes from governor connally's chest, through jfk's 'throat', through a dense line of trees, into the sixth floor window of that infamous book depository.
explained! with that nasty business out of the way and the assassination clearly explained, the documentary simply went on to rubbish lee harvey oswald and point out how he was clearly a killer. his mother didn't like him very much! he was deprived of attention! he was unhappy with his life in america! he didn't really have any goals! let's see... who shall we ask? how about... an fbi agent! how about a cia agent! how about a whole bunch of people who weren't even born when kennedy died!
it was, ladies and gentlemen, a fucking atrocious, lazy piece of television that chose to capitalize on the death of a figurehead with being prepared to actually answer any questions. this is why i don't watch television.
- posted by lawrie at 4:44 PM ~ comments
Friday, November 21, 2003
children, hear my call
gay bishop gene robinson is quite clearly being lead by satan.
- posted by lawrie at 6:33 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
wokka wokka
as told by fozzie bear and kermit the frog:
kermit: okay, time once again for that furry, fuzzy funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic, foozzzieee beeeeaaaarr!
fozzie: hey hey hey... wait wait wait, froggie, no so fast. tonight, i am going to use your assistance!
k: ...oh yeah?
f: yes sir! you and i are going to tell the world's funniest joke.
k: well, i...
f: now this is all spontaneous; this is unrehearsed, right froggie?
k: it's unrehearsed, yes.
f: okay, okay... frog of my heart...
k: yeah...
f: you will just for me to say the word "hear". when you hear me say the word "hear", you rush up to me and shout "good grief! the comedian's a bear!"
k: good grief! the comedian's a bear!
f: check.
k: when you say the word "here".
f: right.
k: gotcha.
f: ok, go. hiya hiya hiya! you're a wonderful lookin' audience! it's a pleasure to be here! i...
k: good grief! the comedian's a bear!
f: not yet!
k: but you just said "here".
f: that was the wrong "hear"!
k: which is the right "here"?
f: the other "hear"! *sigh* go go go. okay. hey hey, folks! this is a story you gonna love to hear! i...
k: good grief! the comedian's a bear!
f: will you stop that!
k: but you said "hear"!
f: not that "hear"!
k: well which "hear"?
f: the other "hear"!
k: how am i gonna know?
f: you know when you hear!
k: good grief! the comedian's a bear!
f: nniiiieeeeeegrrrrrrrr! *sigh* alright, alright, listen
k: yeah, what?
f: you will know when i point to you.
k: *mumbling* why do i have to work with a bear? why do i work with animals? should never work with animals...
f: don't grumble!
k: *mumbles quieter*
f: *ahem* say! a funny thing happened on the way to the theatre. at the stage door, i passed a bunch of muppet fans and suddenly i hear... *points*
k: *sigh* good grief. the comedian's a bear.
f: no he's-a not! he's-a wearin a neck-a tie!
- posted by lawrie at 5:56 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
conversations with liam
it's late. me and yen are sitting in jon's room talking about the fact that no one emails me anymore.
yen: you're an attention whore.
lawrie: you say that like it's a bad thing.
yen: it's always a bad thing.
lawrie: why? i'm not hurting anyone. it's not like i'm harming jews.
yen: man, everything harms jews. including daylight and water. and you can't feed them after midnight.
lawrie: ...otherwise they turn into palestinians?
later. drunk girl nobody knows stumbles into the room for no apparent reason.
drunk girl: hello!
lawrie: hello, drunk girl. what's your name?
drunk girl: guess!
lawrie: adrian.
drunk girl: uh... yes!
lawrie: i'm really good at that game. win.
drunk girl: what's your name?
lawrie: i'm adam. *points to jon* this is anthony, and *points to liam* this is archibald. have you noticed that everyone in this room has a name beginning with 'a'?
drunk girl: ... *explodes*
- posted by lawrie at 10:33 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, November 11, 2003
let the gods shine down upon me
if there are any higher powers to be believed in, then you can shove jesus the magician (who, as yen quite rightly points out, could only walk on water with help from aquaman); i'm much more inclined to go for the whole mount-olympus-many-gods thing. they were all much more believable as supreme beings go, because they weren't the be-all and end-all of everything; some of them were a bit crap.
i only mention this because it appears that i may have inadvertently attracted the attention of the little-known lardos, god of chunkies. today is the beginning of week three of my exercise regime, in an attempt to lose at least nine pounds; i work out tuesday through friday, and have saturday to monday off. admittedly, last week i could only use my spangly new rowing machine once, because i felt like shit the rest of the week, but my workouts have been increasing in length and intensity since i began.
imagine my surprise, then, when i step on the scales this morning and discover that i've put on a pound. why? i haven't even been eating solid food for the last week! i've been restricted to mainly soup because amalgam, god of toothache has given me an infection on one of my molars. so i'm eating about nine calories a day, burning 55 on the rowing machine, and putting on weight? damn you, lardos. damn you to hell.
- posted by lawrie at 12:37 PM ~ comments
Thursday, November 06, 2003
weekend fun for everone
i'm on antibiotics! somebody give me a beer, i'm going for a country drive!
- posted by lawrie at 6:31 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, November 04, 2003
hello darkness, my old friend
i'm in so much pain right now, and have been all day, that i can barely bring myself to type anything. i've got something like eight different types of painkiller, and none of them are doing anything to help soothe the demons in my head. i just want a hug, and i think i'm going to start crying in a minute. pain fucking sucks.
::: edit :::
this is what happens when i'm left alone with a working cam. left jon a lovely little fansign there, too, since it was his cam.
::: edit two :::
the royals have gone to hell
i just googled it, but i can't find the story that yen found yesterday; prince charles is visiting places in india, and briefly met with the oldest man in one particular village. when the old man was interviewed later about having met the prince, he said he was "very happy to have met the king of america, bill clinton". brilliant.
- posted by lawrie at 5:16 PM ~ comments
Monday, November 03, 2003
new skin, new teeth
i just got back from colchester, and baleeted the hallowe'en skin. i've been thinking about doing a guy fawkes skin, but i'm not entirely sure i can be bothered. persuade me otherwise.
aside from that, i have a tooth that apparently doesn't like being in my mouth anymore, and wants to leave. but rather than painlessly slip out during the night, coasting down my pillow on a stream of saliva, it has instead decided to put on its running shoes, dig it's heels in, and attempt to very painfully throb it's way out of my mouth. seriously, i was in so much pain on saturday night, i actually put my fist through the wall. well... i didn't. but i was thinking about it, and if i hadn't been crippled with the pain, i probably could have done.
the only problem i have now is this; if it hurts that much when nobody is touching it, how the fuck is it going to feel when i go to the dentist and actually pay him money to drill parts of my body away? parts that will never grow back, i might add. i'm asking for gas.
- posted by lawrie at 12:57 PM ~ comments