drinking water was invented by the spanish in the late 19th century, although it is rumoured that they actually stole the ingredients and process for drinking water from the ancient chinese, who are believed to have perfected this technique over seventy five million years ago. tired of having to drink only horse manure or dr. pepper, the chinese dug a huge hole in the ground to collect the natural vapour in the air (this is now known as 'loch ness'). after the water had been collected, they would run the liquid collected through a filter made from technical lego and the bib overalls of an amish farmer. this filtering process needed to be carried out over eleven thousand times before the water became clear enough to drink.
today, this filtering process is carried out by an army of flesh-eating nanorobots, and the water is packaged into cardboard boxes flown out by helicopter and dumped into the atlantic ocean. it is then swallowed by a school of superintelligent dolphins, who swim out and divide it equally between the countries of the world. except africa.
so the next time you turn on your tap and watch as the clear, mostly ricin-free, life-saving nectar is pouring down the drain, think about the hardworking freaks who make it possible for you to fill up your bowels each and every day.
build it, and they will come ok, so we all get odd search results; i seem to rank quite highly for 'telford sex'; yen ranks number one for 'asshole piercing'; jon hits the top spot for 'sexy iceland webdesigner' despite the fact that he's not from iceland. he doesn't even shop there. arf.
so here's the new game: search through your past hits, pick out something odd... and then provide it as content. do you see what i'm saying? if you're getting tons of hits a month for 'exploding whale penguin fall down funny clip', then for gods sake, give the people what they're looking for. i think i've just cracked the secret of internet success.
to show you that i am unafraid, i have chosen a search result that gets through to me every so often: 'marty chonks picture'. now, marty chonks is a character from gta3, but you never really see him, since all of his missions are given over the phone. but here it is, my crunchy little children - an interactive picture of marty chonks!
the day the internet stood still two days ago, for about 45 seconds, google apparently shat it's pants and went back to it's old-skool (non-working) roots. and i was witness to it. i feel blessed. but i do not feel brian blessed.
everybody, teach robots how to swim let me hear you say ooh ee ooh ah-ah, ting-tang, walla-walla bing bang, because i got reviewed by 397 reviews. i'd completely forgotten that i'd applied for a review.
other than that, there's not a whole lot to post... but be prepared. be very prepared. it's about to get consoleicious around here. ooh, i feel so excited; it's like somebody wrapped all my teeth in tin foil and then wired me up to a nine-volt battery while i squeeze cotton-wool balls in my fists. eeuurgh.
how does the second half of the phonetic alphabet go? if you own a computer (which you do) and you go online (which you do) then for the love of god download this piece of software. i think i mentioned a few entries back about returning home every other evening to find that my computer had been flooded with adult diallers, and slyly trying to find out just what in the holy fuck my sister or my mom had been looking at. well, it turns out that it's all just some activex piece of shit that's probably been sitting on my computer for a while, quite possibly pushed through a port left open while my sister is on msn. and spybot - search & destroy annihilates all that shit. all i have to do now is annihilate my sister. did i tell you she cancelled my download of donnie darko on kazaa when i was only 10mb away from completing the 700mb download?
lauren mancini 4 jimmy page mumfy and i have just been riding on the bus into colchester town, and sitting behind us was quite possibly the stupidest family on the face of this increasingly... stupider... place...what we live, um... inside.
small stupid child: mum, what's the ymca?
stupid mum: ...
ssc: mum? mum! what's the ymca?
sm: um... i don't really know. i think it's just.. a place you can go.
seriously, this woman is at least thirty years old, and not only does she not know what ymca stands for, she's gleaning literally all of her information from a village people song. for fucks sake. and it continues; a disabled guy trundles past on the pavement, and he's wearing one of those flourescent yellow workmen jackets.
increasingly stupider child: mum? does he have to wear that 'cus those things are dangerous to drive?
stupid, seemingly mute mum:... um, i don't know.
it was at this point that i could take no more of the inbred retardotron's moronic, monosyllabic ramblings, and i spun around, grabbed her by the head and threw her through the windscreen. and don't say she didn't deserve it, because she did.
meet the people i know #1: bill i though it was high time that you all met bill. bill is a muslim, and he is most definitely going to hell. here's why:
"hiya lawrie it's bill. i thought should click on the 'contact me' tab to 'contact you' and tell you that you are gay. well, you probably already knew this so lets just say i am here to congratulate you on your homotasticness.
you may be wondering why I am under the illusion that you are a player of the pink oboe. when i first met you, i was under the impression that you were gay based purely on your dress sense... which may well have been slightly prejudiced but what the hell... i'm a paki so what ya gonna do about it? anyway, you quickly convinced me that you weren't gay but i should have trusted my first instinct. this isn't because i've just read your explanation for being sXe either. that was actually really cool, in the heterosexual sense, and has made me realise why i haven't started drinking yet. but what the fuck is the deal with your pictures. that bottom row of pictures on your images tab have resulted in me screaming out POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOF at the very top of my voice in the middle of the jam packed university library! you had sort out those pictures and to use your words, i sense a very strong poo pipe predicament in those pictures man. get it sorted.
p.s. Could you get some weed off your guitarist for me? please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
peel it off then slap it back on first off; i know it's technically the next day, but let's just say it's yen's birthday today!
ever wondered how you could get lawrie on your desktop? well now you can!
click on the image to download winamp skin:
i used to own this domain, and now look what's happened to it. also, if you scroll down, you'll se a porno link on the bottom left. please, for the love of god don't click on it; it installs a porno dialler onto your computer.
jesus lives in france and other great mysteries if you'll just disregard the nihilism and social anti-hero stance taken in the last post, i would lake to take just a moment and tell you about two things that are absolutely fucking brilliant.
1) walking home with a clear sky, your breath fogging out in plumes in front of you after a recent snowfall, and you're the first person to maker freah tracks in the snow. and the crunchy-crumpling noise you make with each step.
2) just feeling so utterly happy and grinning a mile wide every time i look at mumfy, because she is so completely, heart-stoppingly beautiful.
colchester weekly news here i am in snowy colchester. and it's odd that there's so much snow... everywhere in the country except for my own goddamned city. i like snow; it reminds me of cartoons where snow is apparently never cold, and people have absolutely no problem lying in it, rolling around in it, becomign a giant snowball, and yet never getting cold and wet or even catching frostbite.
colchester has it's own tiny little newspaper called the colchester weekly news. the headline for this week was birds found in trees near supermarket. how fucking cool is that? they've got a whole week to put the news together, and their entire front page is dedicated to a small bird from siberia that has unpredictable migration patterns, and chose to nest in a habitat... that was strikingly similar to the kinds of places they usually nest! it wasn't even like this bird chose to live in a car exhaust, which might have been slightly more peculiar. they may as well have written about the fact that holy crap! it's winter, and there's fucking snow on the ground! in fact, i am more than willing to put money on the fact that this was their original cover story until stop press! the supermarket birds came along.
don't get me wrong, it tickled me in a pleasant way that this was all the news that they could come up with in a week. imagine if the entire country was like that? the sun and the daily mail would go out of business within days. that would be brilliant. but instead we have kids randomly shooting at each other and killing innocents in the process, and a seemingly endless supply of famous people who like to molest children.
last night emily and i watched falling down, and you know what? i can completely see where d-fens is coming from. obviously the main point of the film is the comparisons between d-fens and prendergast, and how they each deal with the alarmingly similar situations in their life, despite being placed in polar-opposite roles. maybe this is a bad reflection on me, but, aside from the opportunistic violence and arcade-style weapons upgrades after each event, i can understand and sympathise with d-fens and where he is coming from and his attitude towards the world he encounters than with prendergast. i'm a firm believer that faking a smile on your face and remaining completely passive and still while the world around you spins itself into moronic oblivion is the quickest and surest way to drive yourself insane. i'm a pacifist, but i get therapy. it's called grand theft auto. muah ha hahaaa! shiggity schwa.
