recepticle=Saturday, December 28, 2002
test-drive my girlfriend
ahem. yes, well, possibly not the most subtle of titles, but it's kind of true; a very alpha test version of mumfy's kitten adventures is currently up, just so we can see where they hell it's going, how it plays on different machine speeds, and to see how many people can possibly email me with bug reports. by the way, don't email me with bug reports. i know the level is small. i know mumfy doesn't die when her health hits zero. i know the game sometimes leaks radiation from the keyboard onto your hands. so, do you wanna play? do ya? huh? huh? well here it is.
also, happy birthday to jon, who is fourteen years old today! aawwweee. i have no idea why i linked him, since he's currently offline, redeveloping... stuff. and i could have saved myself all this typing if i never linked him in the first place. damn it.
and congratulations to andy, who is, i think, now the reigning champion commenter, having not only posted the most comments, but also for having managed to leave a comment in the five minutes since i last looked. your patronage is appreciated. and a little scary.
- posted by lawrie at 5:00 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, December 25, 2002
we're not gonna die, and you can never kill us!
party till you puke! merry christmas to everyone in the whole world! except that person over there... yeah, you. with the beard. get out of my house.
for yen:
fat sarcastic comic store owner: egad! a maniac cutting a swath of destruction! this a job for the green lantern, thundra, or possibly... ghost rider.
otto: what about superman?
fat sarcastic comic store owner: oh, please.
so, for most of you, yesterday's entry was completely fucked up. god's fault. not mine. he ruined christmas for everybody. jon & annabel; thankyou very much for the card and present. the card was the first thing i opened this morning, and i spent ten minutes crying with laughter. one of the few occasions where roflmfao might actually be a true description of my actions.
anyway, y'all have a merry time, and watch and wait for mumfy's kitten adventures on game phrenzy, and even for game phrenzy itself; it's looking soooooo good. even if i do say so myself.
- posted by lawrie at 12:14 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, December 24, 2002
#load "a:annoyingsnoweffect1.bat"
edit: ho ho fucking ho! wasn't that annoying? my crapola snowing javascript effect and complete and total incompatibilities with dhtml scrolling area magicks meant that some (and by 'some' i mean 'most') browsers couldn't read my blog anymore! fucking yay! well, at least i'm now number one for 'ho ho fucking ho'; although i've quite obviously been aiming to achieve that. i don't know why.
anyway, i won't might not maybe probably will post tomorrow, so merry christmas, i hope you don't all freeze and die. it's still not too late to get me anything off my wishlist. although you can probably skip the playstation 2, since mumfy got me one in may.
i hope you have acceptable seasons fare, non-christians!
(please note: i am not, nor ever have been, any form of relgious denomination, including christian. well, obviously i put down 'jedi' on the last census, but you know what i'm on about...)
- posted by lawrie at 6:01 PM ~ comments
Sunday, December 22, 2002
i am a christmas machine
so, i relented; i went christmas shopping a day early, and was amazed when i got most of it done inside of an hour. a lot of this is down to walking into virgin and discovering they had a respectable collection of cds averaging at £6.99 each. bargainalicious.
and have you noticed? the error is gone! and have you noticed something else? the quotes are back! oddly, i don't actually look at other pages on my site, but today someone emailed asking about the jedi quiz, and i had to look at some pages to answer his question, and i noticed i was getting exactly the same error on each page. what does this suggest? that i'm an idiot. it was the quotes script that was buggering everything up; or more specifically, it was a single fucking comma in the quotes script. fortunately i'm weathered to such horrendous little syntax errors and it only took me seconds to find and fix. so how come no one else noticed my quotes were gone? huh? huh?
it also appears that this 'ho ho fucking ho' thing is a sound file that is really quite popular, since about a quarter of my hits are all search engine results for it. strangely, i am unfazed by this, and have no desire to find out what it is.
and hey! i got some sleep last night! i only woke up twice, and both times i was only awake for about ten minutes! i think is mainly down to me getting about two hours sleep yesterday, before taking a trip to london to see emily's aunt and uncle. i met a real-life person called ursula, and she wasn't a witch. she was really quite nice, and startlingly intelligent. and emily's cousin pete builds his own petrol-powered radio controlled cars. so i'm thinking me and jon may be a step closer to building a red robot to enter in robot wars.
- posted by lawrie at 6:16 PM ~ comments
Saturday, December 21, 2002
anyone else getting pissed?
i know that for a couple of weeks this site has been showing an error on line 32, char 1; it's halfway through a bunch of dhtml. i spent a good hour screwing about with it the other night because i wanted to add an annoying javascript snowing effect, and it wasn't working. to make things much much easier on myself, i added a link rel base href=http://www.gaijindesign.com/lawriemalen so that all of my links and image tags didn't have to be absolute. unfortunately, it appears to be my link rel base href that's causing the problems, although i have no idea why it would just suddenly come on; i haven't changed my template for at least a couple of months.
so, sadly, no crap snowing effect. but to change subject completely; today i ended up going to the toilets in a food court at a local shopping precinct, but the men's room was closed off, so i went into the disabled toilets. here's a couple of things i noticed; apparently, disabled people are unconcerned with their appearance, since there wasn't one single mirror in there, where as the men's room has one entire wall made of mirrors. also, someone had pasted a bright orange sticker on the inside of the door for a support line: "are you afraid that someone you love will attack you?". nice. subtle. troubling.
from now on i'm going to make a point of going into disabled toilets just to see if they have a mirror installed or not. does anyone know an actual reason why this might be so? because it seems quite crap to me.
- posted by lawrie at 10:16 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
like that, is it?
oh, i see. when i've actually got something to say, everyone goes quiet? well then, since i have nothing to say, this should keep you sated:
i'm seventh for ho ho fucking ho what a bunch of shit.
and first for where does crack come from?
- posted by lawrie at 11:08 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
save the world and lose sleep? no thanks
i see that phrenzy fell over. i spoke to jon, and it's a 'forgot-the-credit-card-expires' kinda thing - all will be back up again in no time at all. and perhaps, while it's down, jon will take this opportunity to complete those updates he's been talking about since 1988.
and speaking of 1988 ("nice blend, fozzie!" "thankyou, fozzie!"... it's a muppets thing), did i mention that i saw donnie darko with yen and bill? well, i did, and it was fucking brilliant. easily one of the best films i've seen in years. unfortunately, even though it actually came out last year in the states, they only just decided to show it over here, which means that you can't get it on video or dvd. so, crap.
now for those of you familiar with stephen king's work (which includes my pretty lil mumfy, and absent-through-no-fault-of-her-own ruth... anyone else? identify yourselves), one of his best books, as far as i'm concerned, is insomnia. hey, and that's a funny coincidence, because... guess what i'm suffering from? hallelujah and praise be to lord snooty's giant poisoned electric head, i got insomnia.
the way it usually happens is this; i go to bed, and i read or something, and after a little while i cake out* (*fall asleep). this can happen at any time, but let's say that recently it's been, on average, around midnight. then i'll get maybe an hour and a half or two hours of sleep, and then something... and it can be the teeniest tiniest thing, will wake me up. and then i'm fucked. on saturday night emily and i climbed into bed at about ten thirty so we could watch a bunch of 'angel' episodes. watch them we did, and by about midnight i was asleep. and by about one thirty i was awake. and by about seven fucking thirty i was still awake. and this keeps happening.
last night, i was asleep by about half past one; an hour later, the tiniest of breezes blows the window shade a little bit and knocks over a half-full glass. BARG. i'm awake, i'm awake! i'm stumbling around the room, trying to wipe my playstation with a moisturised tissue and save my book from getting soaked... and that's it. i climb back into the warm, safe bed, and emily does her very best to rock me to sleep again, while amazingly being asleep herself (she has instincts for this kind of thing), but my brain got all excited from the activity, and wanted more.
so, yay for me. but to allude back to my original stephen king point; the protagonist in , an elderly gentleman by the name of ralph roberts, develops a particular kind of insomnia that means he keeps waking up earlier and earlier, and can't get back to sleep, and after a while he's able to see other people's auras, and then he has to save a child from a man in a plane. you see the similarities? i could be a younger ralph roberts.
and before i forget (and perhaps yen could help on this one), since i'm talking about ralph roberts; why is it that practically all the main characters in superhero stories have alliterative names? peter parker, clark kent, louis lane, lana lang, bruce banner... and if you take the 'd' off doctor octopus' name, it would be octor octopus. how wierd is that?
- posted by lawrie at 3:12 PM ~ comments
Saturday, December 14, 2002
oh, it had to come around again
it seems that after complaining about rubbish referrals recently, the great god google decided to bless me with these little google mcnuggets:
thirteenth (out of thirteen...) for can a monkey operate a mouse?
second for squirrel wheeeeeeeeeee
thirtieth (wtf?) for air kissing
sixth for cartoon pictures of potheads
and fourth for donkey pinata
okay, i'm done.
- posted by lawrie at 3:18 PM ~ comments
Friday, December 13, 2002
we get signal! all your lawrie malen are belong to us!
whoop-whoop! that's the sound of da poleece! coming to arrest me for... stalking... people. well, not quite. but, i finally received a reply from the other laurie malen, who has apparently been away for a couple of days. her family is from russia originally, and changed their name from malenowski or something. which actually sounds more polish, but... meh.
referrals have been quite boring recently, although i am currently number one for smash mash tv advert.
oh, now i remember what i was going to tell you. i was on the bus the other night with my giant drum cases on my way to a gig, and i was sitting opposite this guy and a rather large girl. and when i say large, i mean, the word 'rotund' doesn't quite do her justice; think of the girl who turns into a giant blueberry in willy wonka's chocolate factory. so anyway, the guy is telling his spherical friend about this idea he's had:
"so i had this idea, right? and it's a wicked idea, and i don't fink no one has had before or nuffink, and it would probably cost fousands, or even millions of pounds, yeah? right, my idea is that cars... can drive themselves."
*lawrie almost falls off his seat*
"so, yeah? cars would have to be adapted n that, and, you know, you put this computer in the car so it knows all the roads n everyfing. and you could do this all on a normal car, but it would have to be adapted, yeah? and there'd be, like, sensors all around the outside of the car just so it don't drive off the road or into other cars or nuffink."
and on and on in this sort of vain for about five minutes. then it gets even better.
"and then, i mean, i haven't really thought about it properly yet, and you know, to steer it n that, the car would have to be adapted. you'd like, rip out the driver's seat and put a robot in there to control the car and everyfing. then you'd ring me up and you'd be like 'oh can you come n pick me up?' and i'd be like 'yeah' and then i'd turn up at your door, and i'd be sittin in the back with me laptop, controlling the robot n stuff. it's be brilliant."
so, we've gone from cars with sensors that can drive themselves, to cars with robots that need to be controlled by a laptop. and here's the clincher:
"i got the idea from... d'you remember 'knight rider'? i used to love that programme - the car talks and everyfing and it could drive itself n all sorts!"
sounds like a man with a plan, to me. and by 'a plan', i obviously mean 'no concept of reality whatsoever'.
- posted by lawrie at 4:50 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
the origin of all childhood fears: telly
i was on the phone earlier talking to a guy about what a complete bitch it is trying to find just the right samples online. i remember once spending four days trying to find a sample of the smash mash robots talking ("for mash get smash! ahh ha ha ha ha!"), and so he sent me a link to tv cream, where i spent a good hour browsing through old, mostly crap tv shows.
as i was wandering, i stumbled across a tv show i used to be forced to watch in primary school, called look and read, in which a flying typewriter ball called wordy used to get all hyperactive about the silent 'gh' in the word 'thought', and shit like that. as part of 'look and read', there was a story titled the boy from space, and i now remember how much it used to scare the living shit out of me. here's one reason:
how can anyone that looks like that be normal? well, he fucking wasn't normal. he was from space, wasn't he? how can that be good? and if you think he is a freaky looking muppet, you should see his parents. if you go here you can see some clips archived by the bbc, and if you go here, you can download some other clips. listen to him speak. if you have any babies in the house, make them watch it, then watch them cry and scream. this is what we have been subjected to as children. this is why i need to drink eleven cups of tea in the morning before i stop shaking.
and before you even start, metal mickey can fuck right off.
- posted by lawrie at 7:44 PM ~ comments
Sunday, December 08, 2002
public support r0x0r
well, where does the time go? not to scotland, probably. you all know the reason why my blogging has been so slack, and now, let's hear it from someone else:
"aol sucks. you are very correct. what the shit."
exactly. not entirely sure about the 'what the shit' part there, but you get the drift. what the shit indeed? and such a comment could also be applied to this lil nugget:
"Are you a jedi if so would you like to buy a lightsaber".
a real one? i telll you what, why don't you put it on ebay, with some pictures, and i'll think about it. and since we're on the whole emails thing, and i only get about three a month at the moment, here's another:
"I'm from California.. around here StraightEdge is about.. 10 years old.. And mostly consists of a group that need an identity to seem cool. They also went around and tried to pick fights with some of the hard core potheads.. suffice to say they weren't looked upon as cool, by beating up people who couldn't defend themselves.. if I were you. I'd drop the "identity/label" and be yourself.. I've been clean all my life and I'm 22 now.. I and I don't need to beat up drunks to prove it.."
okay... who's been hacking into my ftp account and making changes to my sxe page, but nothing else? no one? well of course not, because where in the hell did i write that being straightedge makes me cooler, or that i pick fights with defenceless drunks and potheads? do i not in fact state that a large number of my friends take one form of 'drug' in one way or another, and i love them all to pieces? and is my argument, in a large part, not about the need for a label but for it to make a nice change to be known as something other than "that poof who can't take his beer"?
i shall be replying to this individual personally, using appropriate grammar and correct punctuation, too. meow.
- posted by lawrie at 10:37 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
hallelujah!
i am taking this incredibly rare moment, in which stuff appears to be working, to reply to those emails that i have yet to reply to, for obvious reasons* (if not obvious, then read entire archive of previous month's entries). nothing really to blog about that is even vaguely interesting, apart from this:
i so would have replied to that advert.
- posted by lawrie at 2:24 AM ~ comments
Monday, December 02, 2002
fuckerance
sorry, but everything's completely utterly fucked. i had a really great entry to post, but i left it at mine, and i'm posting from jon's, and i'm not about to write it all again. i pormise that i will get everything sorted, even if i have to hire a personal gang of ninjas to remove the aol head honcho's balls with a quickness. please bear with me.
- posted by lawrie at 8:30 PM ~ comments