recepticle=Wednesday, October 30, 2002
and so this is christmas. apparently.
they've started assembling all the christmas crap again, although it seems to be a little later this year; last year i'm pretty sure christmas started on the seventeenth of october. the way you can tell is by walking into any branch of bhs or marks and spencers and the first thing you see is tinsel, a santa cutout and a sale on christmas pudding. i wrote an article for a magazine on chrismtas once. it wasn't very... um... christmassy. my grandma wouldn't have liked it.
but in a whole other sense, it's totally christmas for me right now. last weekend emily bought me the new foo fighters album, which is rock; today my bass player paulus let me borrow the tab book for there's nothing left to lose, the latest queens of the stone age album, and actually fucking gave me a limited edition numbered 7" of the foos all my life. and then after rehearsal, emily sends me a message saying that she's bought me the new tori amos album. rawk! have i just got the bestest girly in the whole omniverse or what?
the only downer is that i just decided to start staying over at emily's from friday afternoons to monday mornings, which means one night longer than usual. that's not the downer; this is: i get a phone call to arrange a meeting for a client i've been waiting on for about two months... and it's at 1.30pm on monday. poopants.
and also, my comments appear to be fucked. i know that yaccs are doing some wierdy archiving crap that means you won't be able to comment on stuff i wrote three months ago... but who fucking cares? nobody can comment now, you bastards. why does nobody email me anymore? and what the hell is going on? my step-dad just offered me food. and it's not poisoned. what the fuck? it's all gone crazier than panda cola.
- posted by lawrie at 7:14 PM ~ comments
Tuesday, October 29, 2002
it's out!
you know i've got an infected finger, right? well, i'm sure you'd like to know that last night i tore the end of my finger open with a hot pin and let all of the poison dribble out. yummy-cha! it still hurts, and i can't really do a whole lot with it, but i am becoming very adept at not using the index finger of my right hand at all. i'd like to think that if i were in columbia, playing poker against the leader of some cartel gang, and i lost, and i was out of money, and he asked me which of my fingers i'd like chopping off, i'd quite gladly say "the index finger of my right hand, please."
i'm glad that you liked my friday whyday, too. hopefully, it will catch on in much the same way that stupid 'friday five' did. and that's just alliteration; friday whyday fucking rhymes, man.
we're now only days away from the launch of the panda cola website, and i'm so very pleased because i come up second on google for panda cola! that's right, only four days after blogging about it, i find myself right up there.
new foo fighters album = fucking brilliant. unfortunately, i can't get into foo fighters bonus site because the cdkey piece of crap software can't find either of my cd drives, which means that i can't download the exclusive foo covers. so, on the one hand, me coming second for panda cola = internet is great. on the other hand, me being denied foo content = internet is balls. so if we divide result one by result two, we find that internet = great balls...? hmm.
- posted by lawrie at 1:19 PM ~ comments
Saturday, October 26, 2002
hey! sheep! where are you going?"
before i start, i'd like to put everyone on a total downer; turns out i actually know someone who was in that club in bali. his name is mike and, incredibly, he survived. five of his friends didn't. what's perhaps even more amazing is that another friend, a guy called dave, was supposed to be going but cried off because he couldn't afford it. dave is usually the ringleader if there's any going out to be done, and it's the fact that he wasn't there is almost as amazing as mike surviving.
back to happy; i've noticed a trend for everybody to do what they call a 'friday five', which is (as far as i can gather) a list of five favourite things, or five experiences, or five relatives you wish were dead. or something. well, i'm totally not doing a friday five (barry has listed his five favourite shexay men, with pictures, which is much better than the saccharine-sweety pie cutesy bullshit 'five things that make me smile'... bleurgh); what i am going to do is a little something i call friday whyday, and the genius behind this is.... it's saturday.
on friday whyday, i question those niggly little things that you wouldn't ordinarily go out of your way to comment on, unless you were a complete bitch and spent way too much time bringing down others in a vain attempt to validate your own existence. which is where i come in. so let us commence with friday whyday. on saturday.
*cough*
why is it that marks and spencers security people look like remnants of the old soviet guard? those off-khaki shirts, red-wth-yellow-trim berets, clubs to beat people with... stalking around the only supermarket chainstore in the world that considers itself too posh to sell tins of baked beans. i have to point out that i fucking hate baked beans, but emily wanted some, and we couldn't find any. the tinned food section is smaller than a box of rice krispies, that marks and spencer seem to think it wise to put soup on the same shelf as dog food.
why do almost all female greek students look like heroin addicts, and male greek students look like dirty pimps who insist on wearing sunglasses at night? don't they know that miami vice was cancelled? decades ago? and what the hell is it with foreign students pretending that they can't speak english as a way to excuse the fact that they have absolutely no concept of manners, or queuing, or hygiene? you have to be able to speak english to fucking study here.
and why the hell is it that will & grace is almost always funny, depsite the fact that it's all pretty much based on the same 'he's-gay-she's-jewish-he's-really-gay-she's-a-spoilt-rich-alcoholic' jokes every single episode? i don't get it.
and why the hell is there still pumpkin juice on my hand after i washed them seven times?
- posted by lawrie at 7:32 PM ~ comments
Thursday, October 24, 2002
i need your help
please - anyone who has ever had a drink of panda cola needs to leave a comment; we're collecting testimonials. any panda cola experience you have had, or anything utterly nonsensical but still vaguely promotional about panda cola... tag it. i'm counting on you.
- posted by lawrie at 2:38 PM ~ comments
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
update
go see yen right now. and yen, if you're reading; panda cola mission. we need to go find some.
- posted by lawrie at 5:48 PM ~ comments
there's something wrong with panda cola
you're darn tootin there's something wrong with it; that's why you all need to visit the panda cola help and advice page. you just wait. there's so much more where that came from.
- posted by lawrie at 1:41 PM ~ comments
Monday, October 21, 2002
in no mood or condition to post
hello everyone. today we'll be entering a world of pain. imagine, if you will, a small community of miners. these miners are very specials, since they don't use pick-axes or shovels; oh no, they're some freakish type of weevil with teeth made of glass, and they burrow around in your flesh, right under the nail, all the while swigging back vodka, lighting small fires and jabbing at my nerve endings with cocktail sticks.
hopefully that's not what is actually happening, but my finger hurts like a motherfucker. as such, it takes me almost twice as long to type anything out without needing to delete every other letter. i would take pictures, but it really doesn't look all that different; just a tiny bit swollen and red.
anyway, i do intend to post a story about lying simon that i just remembered, but i need to eat and take some antibiotics. and get well. if you are unfamiliar with our sociopathic friend, the read his stories here in my archives. you'll need to scroll down, since you'll be reading them in reverse chronological order.
- posted by lawrie at 1:51 PM ~ comments
Saturday, October 19, 2002
every day, something new
don't be at all surprised if this entry is shot through with typos; the tip of my index finger on my right hand feels really, really bruised, and so i'm not typing with it. christ knows how it happened, but it's not until you... um... voluntarily stop using a finger... that you realise just how important it was.
last night jon, his lady annabel (she has an msn community thing with loads of pictures of jon being drunk; any idea of the url?), myself and mumfy went out to bella pasta for dinner. now, i haven't been inside a bella pasta since i stopped working there two and a half years ago, but it's not the kind of work you're thinking of; to hell with being a waiter - why would anyone voluntarily opt for that kind of job? being treated like shit by cretinous idiots who believe that they are somehow superior beings since you're the one taking their order, despite the fact that the average restaurant customer has trouble pronouncing 'fettucine' or 'fajitas' correctly, and tends to make the following kind of order: "yes, i would like to order a lass-agg-nee with fries, but i only want wholemeal pasta, but it needs to be white instead of brown, and the meat needs to be seperate from the pasta, and i don't want any potato in my fries, and where it says "side salad" in the menu, i expect to be served with a gigantic bowl full of salad and meat and cheese, and will complain loudly otherwise, and i want all of this served within fifteen seconds, and i want it all for free."
when i worked in bella pasta, i was the entertainment. i used to sit in the corner and sing and play acoustic guitar for two and a half hours, often seeing how many totally inappropriate songs i could get away with throwing into the set. usually i would start with 'learn to fly', and then follow that up with a bunch of my own songs, interspersed with five or six other foo fighters tracks. as the set progressed, i would calm it down with some vaguely recognisable songs (such as the sensational alex harvey band's version of 'delilah', or an instrumental version of 'hero of the day' by metallica), before finishing off with something like 'baby one more time' or, on my last ever performance, 'it's raining men' by the weathergirls. not surprisingly, no one ever noticed what the hell i was playing unless it was 'angels' by robbie williams, or 'everybody hurts', in which case they would request that i play it again another seventeen times.
having written this down, i've realised it doesn't make any difference what your job is when you're working in a restaurant; you still have to pander to the morons.
- posted by lawrie at 11:01 AM ~ comments
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
i hate referrals
you know, there was a time when i used to revel in the kind of search engine results that were bringing people here. now, unfortunately, they are all the same, and it's boring and rubbish. every single day, i get at least 20 or 30 referrals for a certain piece of male equipment, either preceeded by the word 'large' or proceeded by the word 'photos'. and i'm not kidding; just click on my counter and take a look for yourself.
i feel like dirty pants. so, my morning has been marginally brightened when i found this little nugget stashed in my referral log; i'm number one for cro-magnon poo! *punches the air* woohoo!
- posted by lawrie at 11:15 AM ~ comments
Tuesday, October 15, 2002
something is very wrong. again. hooray.
upon logging into yaccs this morning, i noticed that somewhere in the region of a hundred comments have gone missing. this is not in the slightest bit good. as i come to my own site, to see if it's affected my blog in any way, i notice that i'm just getting a placeholder where my pretty flash menu should be. "probably aol being a slag again," thinks i, "not to wrorry; i shall log off, log on, and all shall be fixed."
and lo, 'twas not fixed in the slightest. so i rebooted. nothing, not even when trying to view my offline stuff through explorer. so i go to the macromedia site and do the online install thing. now the little icon in the placeholder has changed from and image one to an active-x one... and that's all. i click on it. it says "meep! i don't know what the fuck is supposed to go here! i think it's something called 'flash'. do you want me to go to the associated website and download it?" well, of course, i'm already at the macromedia site. MEEP. so i go and take a shower, and when i come back down in fresh clothes and smelling of lime citrus (it's this really nice showergel from superdrug; mumfy has the orange one; at home we have the lime one), i search through all of my flash offline stuff, and find a flash 5 active-x offline installer. of course, it means taking a downgrade, since i've a version 6 object handler for about two months, but if i didn't start seeing some flash real soon, i was going to start creating 3d rotating gifs and putting them on everything. and then i'd have to shoot myself. but thank the good lord flash, it's all back to normal. i seriously need to format my hard drive.
if you're feeling the need to reach out and touch somebody... well don't. most of us don't like it, you dirty, filthy pickpocket. ahem. but barry at anyonebagel is feeling lonely because his comments are busted. and he's very nice.
- posted by lawrie at 12:27 PM ~ comments
Monday, October 14, 2002
i'm back. again.
hile, gunslingers. i started reading stephen king's dark tower series about two weeks ago, and have just finished wizard and glass today, which is (so far) the final one. and everyone talks like that in the books. "hile, gunslinger. i cry your pardon. life for you, life for your crops. may you have long days and pleasant nights. and may you have twice the number.". i've actually started to think like that.
today is mumfy's birthday. i bought her a ring with a tiny, shiny little rock in it. it was too small. the ring, not the rock. on my way back from essex today, i saw sandy toksvig on the train from colchester, and then again in liverpool street station. i wanted to say "hile, sandy toksvig! i remember you from number 73! may you have long days and pleasant nights! we are well met!", but i didn't, because she looked like she was in a hurry.
as a point of reference for the avid non-english reader, 'number 73' was a saturday morning tv show in the eighties, which was revamped and made into something a lot more rubbish in the early nineties. sandy toksvig is a comedian, mostly famous for ad libbing on 'who's line is it anyway?', who now reads books onto tape and travels on the first great eastern service from colchester.
- posted by lawrie at 6:19 PM ~ comments
Thursday, October 10, 2002
well... that lasted all of a week
oh fuck it... i had yahoo shut down all the accounts that were busted into (about four in total... including one that i haven't been able to access for about a year, but never bothered to say anything), and reported it to msn passport, since one of them was a passport login. plus, i bought my own dedicated mail for gaijin design, so everything should all be crescent fresh. apart from the fact that i can't pick up my new sparkly email with outlook because aol is a fucking whore that should be shot in the kneecaps and then kicked in the face by a twelve year old boy until it's rotted teeth fall out, and then stamped on repeatedly until all it's capable of saying with it's last, dying breath is 'i su-huck...'.
but this is not why i broke my week-long silence; i just watched the matrix on channel five. i must have seen that movie at least six times, and you know what i just noticed? when they're eating that runny protein shit in the ship's gallery, neo is eating his with a spork. how's that for 23rd century technology?
oh yes, and craig at myboot updated! woohoo! i would like to take all credit for this achievement, purely because he didn't say so on his site. and silence gives consent.
- posted by lawrie at 10:47 PM ~ comments
Thursday, October 03, 2002
a slight problem
uhm... mass confusion and unhappiness. it appears that at least two of my email accounts have been hacked to shit; the one where all of the email from this site goes, and another one that i use when i sign up to online forums. i thought something odd was going when, in the past five or six days i received absolutely no email whatsoever. then yesterday, when trying to log in to check my mail again, i was refused entry - my passwords have been changed. i think all of this may have started at least a couple of weeks ago, when somebody was trying to abuse certain features and scripts on this site.
so, for anyone that may have received either abusive email from me, or no replies from me at all in the past few days, then i apologize. unless, of course, you are this person:
from the_last_dance_is_fake@hotmail.com
'idiot gay twat ego your shitty system cant recognise a dodgy e-mail
ahahahahah perhaps u should invent another one' and...
'i didnt think anybody from the uk was as big headed as you it
seems that i was mistaken your a discrace' and...
'your a discrace to britan'
who, when i think about it, may have something to do with this whole fiasco. then again, judging from his english language skills... perhaps not.
- posted by lawrie at 8:27 AM ~ comments
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
speaking of archives
i just went hunting through my very first few posts, when i was averaging something like five visitors a week. ah, the lonely, lonely days. anyway, i found this neat link to a review of monsters, inc. and how it's utterly sexist and full of giant monster cocks. see what you missed in my early days?
- posted by lawrie at 11:01 AM ~ comments